I feel hungover today even though I didn't drink anything. I look like I slept in my car and my head hurts from taking in so much information last night. I thought I knew a lot about adoption and last night I learned I know about 50% of the process. I'll start from the beginning. Dan and I went to a place called Adoption Information Services (AIS), a place my fabulous doctor Lisa Hasty recommended who are consultants that provide education, guidance, referrals and advocacy throughout your adoption process. They're not brokers or an agency...they do not profit from the adoptions themselves. It's run by this HILARIOUS woman named Marcia, who adopted her own children internationally. She's sarcastic and real and compassionate and smart. In fact, the two other women present at the seminar that work for her adopted their children and shared their personal stories. Once we all sat down, there were four other couples there and we went around the room and introduced ourselves and shared our journeys and what led us to adoption. Dan and I definitely had the longest story and some jaws dropped (including Marcia's) when we told them everything. There was a comment from another couple about how much levity we brought to the room and that made me feel really good because that truly is what keeps me sane throughout this. I have to laugh. The alternative is not an option. Humor is everything.

Moving on to what stirs me, they talked about something I had never given life to....the "tolerance checklist". AIS gives this to you to allow you the opportunity to assess your tolerance level in situations or circumstances that may arise with birth parents or the child before you are emotionally involved in the possibility of a match. What does this mean?

Stop. Pretend you don't have kids. Think about these things;

What age would you consider?
What ethnic background(s) would you consider?
Would you consider a birth mom who was homeless, been abused, incarcerated, raped, uneducated, unemployed, on welfare?
How important is her medical history to you? What if she's diabetic? Overweight? Epileptic? Has past addictions? Had cancer? Is bipolar? Has ADHD? Has an STD? Tests for drugs and/or alcohol? Smokes?

Oh my gosh, it's A LOT to take in! Age and ethnicity are easy to approach and some of them you think (drugs, mental illness), "oh no, I could never!" But then you sit back and really think about it and you want a child so desperately and have to dig deep and evaluate your true feelings and what you can truly handle and accept. And I think we could. I have friends with children with special needs and they exhibit beautifully what it means to love unconditionally. That's very important information to take in. They move on to how open you want the adoption - open, semi-open or closed. I used to think I'd want it closed, but all experts recommend semi-open or open because it's the best option for the child as they deserve to know about their birth parents. One of the women shared a poignant story about her son. She had a closed adoption and one day she was helping her son with his homework and he looked at her and asked if he was good at math because of her or because of the woman who gave birth to him. He was always asking little questions like that. She decided that day she would track down the birth mom and days later her son got on the phone with her and got to ask all those questions. Then poof, all his curiosities went away and he seemed at peace. So if that's what is best, I feel like that's what we need to do.

After a lot more talk and many questions from all the couples. My head is starting hurt and Dan is cracking jokes about how I watch Lifetime TV for Women and Marcia says to terminate that channel from our lineup. The topic of financing an adoption comes up. Obviously this is the hurdle for most people. They explain how they work. We pay AIS a small fee and they help us create our "profile book" which is like one of those Kodak photo books with text telling the birth mom all about us and our family, friends, pets, our neighborhood, our house, how we met and what we like to do in our spare time. Then AIS gets to work reaching out to adoption agencies all over the country - notably those in states with favorable adoption policies to match us. Once they find adoptable babies, they send us their profiles (using criteria from our tolerance checklist) and we decide if we want to send our "photo book" to the birth mom to consider us. If she picks us, it's done.....we wire the money to the agency and they filter it to lawyers, the birth mom and other parties involved. Once she's in labor, we are called and we wait at the hospital and the birth mom decides how involved we get to be. We could be in the room, or we could not. Some hospitals allow us to have a private room to wait. Depending on the laws of the state where the baby is born, you have a waiting period for the birth mom to sign the termination papers. Some are 48 hours, 12 hours and some are 10 days! They shared a story of a woman who only had to wait 48 hours for the birth mom to terminate rights but she wasn't allowed in the room and the birth mom's sister and mom and dad were in the room and she was breast feeding the baby. The adoptive mom was freaking out and called AIS and they talked to her to keep her calm and eventually they handed the baby over to her.

All this got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking. And over thinking. And trying to sleep. And no sleep. And my stomach hurts. Is it worth it? Yes, it is. It really is. This is a sure thing. The only thing keeping us moving forward is money. Which really, really sucks. So when people ask why I share my story, most if it TRULY is to educate others about infertility and adoption and part of it is to ask for help because although it pains us to ask for donations, we tell ourselves that we aren't asking others to give us money to help us buy a house or fund plastic surgery.....we are asking friends....loved ones to help us make this the last Christmas we wake up without having hope of a baby to shower gifts on or the last birthday where I blow out the candles wishing for a baby. We tried doing everything we could on our own and we came up empty. Thanks for reading this long, melodramatic post. I could not get up every day and smile and have hope without each and every one of you.

I posted a photo on social media about being in hell and feel the need to explain it.  On Wednesday, I got a TEXT from the birth mom stating she was "going in a different direction" and placing her baby with a local couple.  I'd post a photo of the exchange but I need to respect her privacy.  But it's the most ridiculous and cold text I've ever seen.  Then, to rub salt in my wounds, I get a letter from her lawyers "terminating" all communication. It was heartless, impersonal and a punch to the gut.  I can do nothing about it.  Throughout this journey, we've experienced so much heartache that there's an invisible wall around us.  So Dan and I decided we'd grieve for one day and move on.  We cried, we cursed and we felt sorry for ourselves.  And now we are moving on.  I am scheduled for my embryo transfer on September 20.  The meds I'm taking are making me more miserable than they ever have.  All day nausea, headaches and dizziness. In the meantime, keep us in your thoughts and continue the good vibes.

I also want to send my sincerest gratitude to all those that reached out with adoption information as well as putting me in touch with your friends.  Although it didn't work out, it comforts me to know that we know such loving and caring people like you and no matter how sad we get, we know how lucky we are to have the kind of friends that go out of their way like that.  Bless you all.....all our love to you!

Birth mom changed her mind again.  The adoption is off.  Not much to say at this point but as always, we will get through this. Pray for us.

Just a quick update about the adoption.  We have spoken to the lawyers in the state where the birth mom lives and got a ton of information. We also got an expensive estimate for all their work.  Being in infertility hell for the last 8 years has depleted our savings, our credit and we've accepted so many wonderful donations that we could never ask that of anyone again.  We are trying to figure it all out. We are trying to negotiate a lower fee.  We will do everything in our power.  Stay tuned!

I'm working from home today because I'm so worked up that I'm making myself sick. Here's the latest; a while ago, one of my dear friends told me about a woman who was considering placing her unborn baby boy up for adoption. I spoke to the woman and we hit it off and talked for a long time about the importance of raising a baby in a loving home surrounded by family and friends....she has a great family of her own too. She was undecided at the time so Dan and I decided to remain cautious, but hopeful. In June, I learned that she had decided to keep the baby and as hard as it was to hear that, I made peace with it. Dan and I talked and decided to move forward with another embryo adoption. We wanted to wait until the September cycle so we could save money (which we didn't, really) and with the support of my parents and siblings, we selected new families to adopt embryos from. We are currently scheduled for a 9/20 transfer date. SEND US LUCK. Then, last week I learned the pregnant woman (due 10/15) has decided to place her baby up for adoption and would like Dan and I to be the baby's parents. This floored me. I almost passed out. Since Friday, we've been researching, talking to lawyers in her state and talking lawyers in Georgia. Even though this isn't the full blown adoption process, it's still very expensive! Since the baby is due mid October, we have little time to find that money. Which brings me to today, sitting in my bed with anxiety and stomach issues. I'm asking for prayers and support once again that we will find a way to make BOTH blessings happen and that this will all work out somehow. I'm worried we will end up with nothing and that's terrifying. I have a lot of love and support from everyone so I'm thankful to get this all out. Thanks for reading - sometimes I think I shouldn't write....but in this case, if anyone has any advice, ideas or experience with adoption, please let me know! Love always.

Thanks to all that have checked in on us to offer love and support.  It means so much. If I don't respond, it's not because I don't love you back- it's just hard to talk without getting too upset.  So in the meantime, just know we are going to be ok and I have my precious pets taking care of me with lots of good snuggling.

Totally heartbroken again.  I can't begin to understand why we just can't get a miracle.  We have love and support and therefore we will survive this.  Not much else to say right now. Xoxo

Transfer day!  Everything went well.  We transferred three embryos today and now we wait two weeks for our beta.  Two of the embryos looked very good to the doctor and one was just "so-so".  The staff at the NEDC were wonderful and personable and took good care of me.  This whole process is so humbling and you feel so so many emotions at once.  So now I'm just napping- or trying to while Dan lays next to me snoring his head off.  Like he's done any work today?!  Haha.  Thank you all so much for the amazing confidence and love you give us.  I'll write more when I'm a little less out of it.  Xoxo

We are set to go with our protocol! It involves a lot of shots, pill popping and eating healthy and staying zen. I never question putting myself through this craziness....it's a part of the process now and I'm used to it. The embryo transfer date is MARCH 24. I will need lots of prayers, incantations, whatever you can do! Dan and my anniversary is March 28 so I somehow this the timing is poetic. It will be our 7th year of marriage and I can't help reflect on the people we were back then. We had no clue what we were doing and had no one to help us decide what to do. I swear, I should open a concierge service for couples starting out in this journey. There's so much to know and so many directions to go. We thought we were doing what was best for us at the time, but I now realize that creating relationships with doctors that truly care for you is so important. You get so much advice and opinions from everywhere and it can leave you so confused and all the while, you are digging a deeper pile of debt for yourself. It's worthless to look back and have regrets. I've resolved myself to being philosophical about it all....we are doing what we should be doing and we will have the child we are meant for. Pray that everything goes the way it should and that my body cooperates. And most of all, pray I don't run Dan out of the country with my mood swings!! xoxo

Embryos Chosen!

After a month of sifting through over 200 profiles, we finally chose 3 families, each with 2 embryos to adopt. The doctor wants us to have 6 total. There's a lot that factors in to this phase. We chose blastocysts, which are the most advanced, but they have a 70% success rate of unfreezing versus the younger, less advanced multicells or pro nuclei which have a 90-95% unfreeze success rate. Multicell and pro nuclei aren't as healthy and may not be viable when they unfreeze. To make a long story short, we are confident with the ones we chose. The embryologist will now look at each blastocyst after they unfreeze and decide which ones are the best to implant. We are scheduled to have the transfer the week of March 21. This part of the process has been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. We would go through them all, pick the best ones and the clinic would call to say they had been adopted. Lots of people are in the same boat with Dan and me and they go fast. It took many rounds to find the right ones. And I think the ones we picked are great. Keep the prayers coming.