To those that are asking, wondering, concerned; we are on hold in our process as Dan continues to look for a permanent job. He has some leads and is doing his due diligence, that I can assure you. Hey, do you know anyone hiring graphic designers ;)
So in the meantime, we struggle. I struggle. Bear with me, because this is difficult to explain. I was walking Minnie and Mylo one super early morning last week in our apartment complex. I saw a couple come out of their apartment and he ran ahead of her to their car. I looked closer at her as she grabbed her stomach, breathing heavily and I realized she was in labor. I asked her to confirm and she said 'yes'. I congratulated her and wished her a safe, healthy and quick labor. As I walked away, I started getting really upset. I'd never know that feeling, or what that moment is like. I let it take over my thoughts and descended down that "woe is me" path and just let it consume me all day.
A lot of this process is readjusting your expectations and trying not to focus on the negative and keep it on what you DO have. I am healthy. Dan is healthy. But still, questions overwhelm and occupy my mind.....when is it our turn? what did we do wrong? are we being punished? is this because I waited too long to have kids? I've made so many promises to be a better person if I could just have this one thing. I have struggled with faith. I don't know where to stand on anything. So what DO I do in this meantime?
All I can do is strive for patience and seek faith. This means I have to trust and believe when it’s easy and when it’s nearly impossible. I've had so many people tell me when I break down, that these are the moments when I need hope the most, because these instances are showing me signs of hope. I could have been walking my dogs any other time....god knows I didn't want to get out of bed that early to walk them! But I did at the exact moment I saw a couple embarking on one of their greatest adventures in life.
This all has to mean something. I'll have that moment, it will just be different for us because instead of Dan running to get the car for me as I wait in pain, it will be that crazy anticipation for that phone call to get to the hospital. I just have to change the way I think. Don't go the "woe is me" path. Don't be negative. I certainly have my limits, but I will continue to learn and grow. This struggle is not something I would wish on anyone. But I am here and I must continue to believe completely and absolutely in our potential. We will endure this and we will overcome this.
All I can do is strive for patience and seek faith. This means I have to trust and believe when it’s easy and when it’s nearly impossible. I've had so many people tell me when I break down, that these are the moments when I need hope the most, because these instances are showing me signs of hope. I could have been walking my dogs any other time....god knows I didn't want to get out of bed that early to walk them! But I did at the exact moment I saw a couple embarking on one of their greatest adventures in life.
This all has to mean something. I'll have that moment, it will just be different for us because instead of Dan running to get the car for me as I wait in pain, it will be that crazy anticipation for that phone call to get to the hospital. I just have to change the way I think. Don't go the "woe is me" path. Don't be negative. I certainly have my limits, but I will continue to learn and grow. This struggle is not something I would wish on anyone. But I am here and I must continue to believe completely and absolutely in our potential. We will endure this and we will overcome this.
