I have to share this article I saw in the Huffington Post.  It's perfect and beautiful and so near and dear to me;

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes — but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes — so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the follow-up visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments — while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile ... people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little spaces don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being that it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter — and whose loss would be like the loss of yourself.

What a whirlwind the last week has been!  Last Monday, I got THE call that we had "matched" with a birth mom named Grace in Jacksonville Florida.  I spoke to the adoption attorney and she asked if we could come down there to meet Grace and her boyfriend James, the baby's biological father. We scheduled the meeting for Monday January 15.  Thankfully, I have family that lives in the area so they lovingly took us in and helped us relax the night before and morning of. 
The day of, we met at the attorney's office.  She had ordered us a nice lunch and we all ate together and talked a little bit about ourselves....our dogs, our families, our history of IVF's and loss.  But we mostly listened as Grace spoke about her life and what brought her to choosing adoption for her baby.  As you can imagine, this is harder for her.  Being in this position is so difficult and heartbreaking.  But for someone to decide to carry out a pregnancy, with the intention to place the baby for adoption is the most loving, selfless act a person can make.  Despite the daily heartache and stress Grace experiences, she is thinking of her baby first and what is best for him.  She knows she can't care for him the way she wants to right now.  She knows she can have a family someday, just not right now. 
And by the way, it is a HIM.  After lunch, we went to an ultrasound place with her and got to see the precious angel on the screen.  He was stretched out and waving and we saw ten fingers and toes.  We saw his spine and cute little belly.  All his measurements are normal and he's due to arrive around June 17. 

Nothing in the process is a sure thing.  We are indeed matched, but things can still change.  I'm terrified and will probably stay terrified until I hold the baby 48 hours after he is born and the consent is signed.  Right now Grace and James are safe, looking for a place to live and eating healthy and taking care of each other.  That's all I can ask for.  I have no control over this, just as I had no control over any of the IVF outcomes.  I hate that but that's how it is.  All I can ask is that you all continue to send us your support, love and strength.  I've seen the most amazing generosity  from you all and I'm telling you THAT is what keeps us going.  We love you all so much.  Love and more love.

Happy New Year

I'm sorry I've haven't posted any updates.  A few of you have been asking what's up lately so I'll fill you in here.  The holidays are always hard so I sorta go silent and curl up with my dogs and binge on Netflix because my job gives me so much time off.  I highly recommend Ozark....if Dan and I don't work out, and Jason Bateman's marriage crumbles, we are going to marry.  But I digress....after much relaxation, I'm back at the grind and facing reality once again.

Right now, we have our profile book out to one expectant mom and her boyfriend (the baby's father) and they are considering us and a few others.  We should know more soon.  We have steadily received expectant mom profiles since September.  We get a brief description of the baby's mom and father (if they have it) as well as a little bit about their background, (family, medical stuff, current living situation).  As hard as you think is to decide to move forward or not with sharing your profile book or not, IT IS.  We have turned down a few and have been turned down by a few.  It's hard.  But you keep going.  You keep telling yourself that those aren't your babies.  You tell yourself that your baby is waiting for you somewhere....and your time is coming.  I really do believe that.  The love and support and guidance I've received all this time has made me believe this. 

I'll sign off with this incredible act of love I received over my Christmas break.  I hope she doesn't mind me sharing :)  Liz, a girl I went to high school with reached out to me and asked if I could meet with her one day for a quick coffee.  I told her of course.  After a crazy snow storm and flu bugs, we met on a Tuesday afternoon.  Liz adopted her beautiful little girl a few years ago and has been a source of strength and love for me throughout the last couple years.  I haven't spoken to her in a while, mostly because I've been a "shut-in" or babysitting and haven't returned calls or texts :)  But she knew about my heart dropbox project.  So on this day I met her, her daughter hands me a bag full of miniature decorated hearts and Liz explains that as a Preschool Art Teacher, she's had her entire school design their own hearts for us and sign their names to them.  There were even some pictures drawn (my facebook profile pic is one of them) and donated cash.  Liz is crying as she's explaining this to me and I'm really just trying to stay upright in my seat because I feel like I'm going to pass out or curl up in a fetal position and cry like a baby myself.  I won't go into much more, but the love I felt at that moment, and the moments after felt like I was floating on air.  I will never forget it Liz.  You are amazing. 

I say this all the time and I'll say it again....this  journey has changed me forever.  Yes, it has been exhausting, sad, made me ugly and broken me at times.  But the lessons are so much greater.  I've learned that your darkest moments don't have to be dark, you have people that want to be there for you. You HAVE to let them in.  You cannot be alone in this world. Feeling alone makes you do things you shouldn't do.  I have such a perspective now that I would never have had if my life had gone the way I thought it would have gone. And it's not just the "don't sweat the small stuff" philosophy, it's about knowing that no matter how sad things can get, there's a way to pull yourself back and to ask others for help.  You'll never lose your way because you'll have your people there cheering you on. And you love and appreciate those people so much more than you thought you could.  You don't have time for the bullshit.  You will do anything for them in return.   That's all for now.  Love and more love to all.

Happy Thanksgiving

Just a quick post because I just finished watching the latest episode of This Is Us amd feeling my feelings.   If you've known someone that experienced the loss of a baby and told them you didn't know how they felt, watch this episode and you will have a good idea of how they felt.  Everything Kate said and did is something I've said or done.  If you think this show is too sappy or not your "thing", fine.  But if you ever find yourself in a place where you are trying to help a friend or family member through loss, this show does an amazing job portraying those feelings.  It's like free therapy playing out on tv.  And for me, the key takeaway is the phrase, "this will not break us.  We will try again".  I've said this the ten times we've experienced loss.  That's all for now.  Happy Thanksgiving and love and more love.

In case you are wondering why we don’t have our baby yet, I’ll attempt to explain.  Adoption is expensive.  CRAZY expensive.  I’ll try and break it down for you with an example from a profile we recently reviewed.  This standard adoption included the following fees;

Agency referral $500

Birth Mom Soc. Services $7,000

Adoptive Parent Soc. Services $7,000

Administrative Fees $1,250

Out of State Home Study Review $900

Legal Fees $4,000

Placement Fee $7,000

Out of State Adoption Fees $1,250

That’s the reality.  And couple this with the enormous amount of debt you already have maxing out credit cards and taking out loans to pay for all the past IVF procedures (over $55,000), you have a mess and a constant weight on your shoulders and stress so awful, you wonder how you can get out of bed every day.  I have missed a lot of work!!  In a perfect world, I would NEVER have asked for anyone’s help.  Dan and I took on a lot ourselves before we asked for help.  And because of you, we were able to do so much to get us this far in the adoption process.  We have an agency working hard to find birth moms for us, we have counselors helping us to maintain our sanity, we had our home study completed and approved, and we put together a beautiful profile book for a birth mom to consider giving us her baby.  We literally would not have been able to do any of that without your help.  Those are major steps that enable us to get further in the process, but we still have a way to go.  Which leaves me with this letter.  The more we agonize about this, the more we understand that it isn’t about asking people for money.  It’s about asking them to become part of our story.  It’s about our baby’s story and how he/she got to be able to come home.  So I have a proposal for you.  A heart dropbox.  It would look something like this;

It works like this: 1. We have hundreds of little wooden hearts.   2. We are “selling” each piece for $20 (or $10 or $5?, we don’t care!). You can choose to buy 1, 2, 3, or 10! There is no limit! You can even go half with someone! 3. You can purchase via PayPal (cclark6@yahoo.com), click the “Donate” button that is in the right column of our blog, venmo me @carrie-zampich or you can email me for our address and send a check in the mail. 4. Once you purchase a piece, we will send you a heart to “decorate” or write your own message and mail it back to us. 5. Once every single piece has been “sold”, we will assemble the hearts and hang it in a double-sided glass frame in the baby’s room so that they can always look back and be reminded of who has a heart and a hand in bringing him/her home!

I know it’s a lot to ask of friends that have already done SO much.  Seriously, we think of you all daily and how much you’ve done and we are SO grateful and try to give back every day and be better people.  It would be an amazing thing if you could help a little more and spread the word! Share it with your families and friends. Thank you! We love you! Carrie & Dan

To those that are asking, wondering, concerned;  we are on hold in our process as Dan continues to look for a permanent job.  He has some leads and is doing his due diligence, that I can assure you.  Hey, do you know anyone hiring graphic designers ;)

So in the meantime, we struggle.  I struggle.  Bear with me, because this is difficult to explain.  I was walking Minnie and Mylo one super early morning last week in our apartment complex.  I saw a couple come out of their apartment and he ran ahead of her to their car.  I looked closer at her as she grabbed her stomach, breathing heavily and I realized she was in labor.  I asked her to confirm and she said 'yes'.  I congratulated her and wished her a safe, healthy and quick labor.  As I walked away, I started getting really upset.  I'd never know that feeling, or what that moment is like.  I let it take over my thoughts and descended down that "woe is me" path and just let it consume me all day.

A lot of this process is readjusting your expectations and trying not to focus on the negative and keep it on what you DO have.  I am healthy.  Dan is healthy.  But still, questions overwhelm and occupy my mind.....when is it our turn? what did we do wrong? are we being punished?  is this because I waited too long to have kids?  I've made so many promises to be a better person if I could just have this one thing.  I have struggled with faith. I don't know where to stand on anything. So what DO I do in this meantime?
All I can do is strive for patience and seek faith.  This means I have to trust and believe when it’s easy and when it’s nearly impossible.  I've had so many people tell me when I break down, that these are the moments when I need hope the most, because these instances are showing me signs of hope.  I could have been walking my dogs any other time....god knows I didn't want to get out of bed that early to walk them!  But I did at the exact moment I saw a couple embarking on one of their greatest adventures in life.  
This all has to mean something.  I'll have that moment, it will just be different for us because instead of Dan running to get the car for me as I wait in pain, it will be that crazy anticipation for that phone call to get to the hospital.  I just have to change the way I think.  Don't go the "woe is me" path. Don't be negative. I certainly have my limits, but I will continue to learn and grow. This struggle is not something I would wish on anyone.  But I am here and I must continue to believe completely and absolutely in our potential.  We will endure this and we will overcome this. 

I'm quite proud of the "work" we put into our adoption profile book.  It's a highly personal thing and scary to think that our life story is crammed into 22 pages.  I've always been so open about our journey so I figured I'd share some of the photos from the book.  I'll post more once the process starts, but we need to raise more money before we can move forward.  Pray for us, we need it now more than ever!  xoxo

Second appointment done!

Dan and I had another meeting with Jenny at AIS.  We went over what our profile book should look like and we are still working on that.  It's really important because it's the first impression the birth mom has of a couple.  It's like making a Tinder profile or EHarmony.  I never did online dating but I know it's difficult to put yourself out there and finding the right thing to say and the right photos are key!  After that, she gave us information on two agencies she felt would be a good match for us to work with.  They are very different and have different pros and cons.  I never expected this process to be as complicated and thorough as it is.  There is so much to think over.   Do we want a small agency that's hands-on and nurtures their birth moms and has lower failure rates but fewer placements, meaning we'd have to wait longer?  Or do we want a large agency with birth moms all over the country that provides more placements but is more competitive and you have less information on the birth moms' progress?  But you can have a baby sooner.  Obviously it's a lot to think about and consider.  That's why I say I didn't expect it to be so complicated.  Then again I never thought I would have to consider these things.  I have such a tremendous amount of respect for families that have been in or going through this process.  It's not easy.  It is a totally different compartment of stress, emotion and WORK that we've been faced with.  But after everything we've been through with all the IVF and embryo transfers, it's almost becoming a new normal.  I won't know what to do if I'm not trying to raise money, or complete some form, or get a painful medical test done.  I guess (or hope) that's what parenthood will bring.  A new bout of stress, emotion and work.  But I will happily welcome that.  It will feel good to actually being doing something so worthwhile and have something amazing result in the end.  I hope I know what that feels like.  We still have to find more money so we still need to fundraise and apply for grants.  Pray for us.  As always, thank you for caring and for your love and support.  Next time, I'll share our profile book.  Love to you all!  Carrie

Our first appointment with the adoption counselor last night was very informative. 

First topic discussed was finances. Our counselor Jenny (whom I loved)  broke it all out and gave us costs and timelines and all that fun stuff. Moving on...

This is how it works.  We create our profile book.  This is the book created in Shutterfly that has pictures of us and text explaining who we are, all about our families, our community and our values.  This book goes to all the adoption agencies  AIS works with all over the country. When birth moms come in to the adoption agencies, they look through the books and choose the adoptive parents they wish to "match" with.  AIS sends us an email telling us a birth mom has asked to match with us.  We then look at her profile and we decide if we want to match with her.  Once we agree....it's a done deal.  That being said....there's a 20% failure rate where someone changes their mind.  Most of the time it's the birth mom.  This happened to me and Dan.  It also happened to our counselor Jenny.  It sucks.

Next topic, exploring our "tolerances".   They stressed that tolerance does not mean preference.  It simply allows us the opportunity to assess our tolerance level in situations or circumstances that could arise before we become emotionally involved in the possibility of a match. They will notify us on a case-by-case basis with anything we '"red flag".  The facts she gave us that were disheartening.  85% of birth moms smoke up to 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day.  Some as much as 40-50% use pot/opiates/methadone during their pregnancy.  They referred us to a website mothertobaby.org to get some facts on drug effects on babies.  They also discussed mental illness and what we are willing to tackle as far as that goes.  The good thing is we can say NO and that means they won't match us to ANY birth moms that admit to any of the things mentioned above.  Then again,  she could lie.  But this could also mean we wait a lot longer.  We can also say YES and they match us to a birth mom and we are allowed to look at her records and see that she smoked in the first trimester only, or she drank in the third trimester only, this and that, and then make a decision from there.  Bottom line....No to a profile means NEVER and yes to a profile means "we will consider but could still say no".  Is your head spinning?  Mine is.

After all this, we were instructed to move forward with renewing our home study and keep raising money in the adoption fund.  We have a lot of paperwork to do.  We will have another appointment with the counselors in the next month or so.  That's it for now!

I feel hungover today even though I didn't drink anything. I look like I slept in my car and my head hurts from taking in so much information last night. I thought I knew a lot about adoption and last night I learned I know about 50% of the process. I'll start from the beginning. Dan and I went to a place called Adoption Information Services (AIS), a place my fabulous doctor Lisa Hasty recommended who are consultants that provide education, guidance, referrals and advocacy throughout your adoption process. They're not brokers or an agency...they do not profit from the adoptions themselves. It's run by this HILARIOUS woman named Marcia, who adopted her own children internationally. She's sarcastic and real and compassionate and smart. In fact, the two other women present at the seminar that work for her adopted their children and shared their personal stories. Once we all sat down, there were four other couples there and we went around the room and introduced ourselves and shared our journeys and what led us to adoption. Dan and I definitely had the longest story and some jaws dropped (including Marcia's) when we told them everything. There was a comment from another couple about how much levity we brought to the room and that made me feel really good because that truly is what keeps me sane throughout this. I have to laugh. The alternative is not an option. Humor is everything.

Moving on to what stirs me, they talked about something I had never given life to....the "tolerance checklist". AIS gives this to you to allow you the opportunity to assess your tolerance level in situations or circumstances that may arise with birth parents or the child before you are emotionally involved in the possibility of a match. What does this mean?

Stop. Pretend you don't have kids. Think about these things;

What age would you consider?
What ethnic background(s) would you consider?
Would you consider a birth mom who was homeless, been abused, incarcerated, raped, uneducated, unemployed, on welfare?
How important is her medical history to you? What if she's diabetic? Overweight? Epileptic? Has past addictions? Had cancer? Is bipolar? Has ADHD? Has an STD? Tests for drugs and/or alcohol? Smokes?

Oh my gosh, it's A LOT to take in! Age and ethnicity are easy to approach and some of them you think (drugs, mental illness), "oh no, I could never!" But then you sit back and really think about it and you want a child so desperately and have to dig deep and evaluate your true feelings and what you can truly handle and accept. And I think we could. I have friends with children with special needs and they exhibit beautifully what it means to love unconditionally. That's very important information to take in. They move on to how open you want the adoption - open, semi-open or closed. I used to think I'd want it closed, but all experts recommend semi-open or open because it's the best option for the child as they deserve to know about their birth parents. One of the women shared a poignant story about her son. She had a closed adoption and one day she was helping her son with his homework and he looked at her and asked if he was good at math because of her or because of the woman who gave birth to him. He was always asking little questions like that. She decided that day she would track down the birth mom and days later her son got on the phone with her and got to ask all those questions. Then poof, all his curiosities went away and he seemed at peace. So if that's what is best, I feel like that's what we need to do.

After a lot more talk and many questions from all the couples. My head is starting hurt and Dan is cracking jokes about how I watch Lifetime TV for Women and Marcia says to terminate that channel from our lineup. The topic of financing an adoption comes up. Obviously this is the hurdle for most people. They explain how they work. We pay AIS a small fee and they help us create our "profile book" which is like one of those Kodak photo books with text telling the birth mom all about us and our family, friends, pets, our neighborhood, our house, how we met and what we like to do in our spare time. Then AIS gets to work reaching out to adoption agencies all over the country - notably those in states with favorable adoption policies to match us. Once they find adoptable babies, they send us their profiles (using criteria from our tolerance checklist) and we decide if we want to send our "photo book" to the birth mom to consider us. If she picks us, it's done.....we wire the money to the agency and they filter it to lawyers, the birth mom and other parties involved. Once she's in labor, we are called and we wait at the hospital and the birth mom decides how involved we get to be. We could be in the room, or we could not. Some hospitals allow us to have a private room to wait. Depending on the laws of the state where the baby is born, you have a waiting period for the birth mom to sign the termination papers. Some are 48 hours, 12 hours and some are 10 days! They shared a story of a woman who only had to wait 48 hours for the birth mom to terminate rights but she wasn't allowed in the room and the birth mom's sister and mom and dad were in the room and she was breast feeding the baby. The adoptive mom was freaking out and called AIS and they talked to her to keep her calm and eventually they handed the baby over to her.

All this got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking. And over thinking. And trying to sleep. And no sleep. And my stomach hurts. Is it worth it? Yes, it is. It really is. This is a sure thing. The only thing keeping us moving forward is money. Which really, really sucks. So when people ask why I share my story, most if it TRULY is to educate others about infertility and adoption and part of it is to ask for help because although it pains us to ask for donations, we tell ourselves that we aren't asking others to give us money to help us buy a house or fund plastic surgery.....we are asking friends....loved ones to help us make this the last Christmas we wake up without having hope of a baby to shower gifts on or the last birthday where I blow out the candles wishing for a baby. We tried doing everything we could on our own and we came up empty. Thanks for reading this long, melodramatic post. I could not get up every day and smile and have hope without each and every one of you.

I posted a photo on social media about being in hell and feel the need to explain it.  On Wednesday, I got a TEXT from the birth mom stating she was "going in a different direction" and placing her baby with a local couple.  I'd post a photo of the exchange but I need to respect her privacy.  But it's the most ridiculous and cold text I've ever seen.  Then, to rub salt in my wounds, I get a letter from her lawyers "terminating" all communication. It was heartless, impersonal and a punch to the gut.  I can do nothing about it.  Throughout this journey, we've experienced so much heartache that there's an invisible wall around us.  So Dan and I decided we'd grieve for one day and move on.  We cried, we cursed and we felt sorry for ourselves.  And now we are moving on.  I am scheduled for my embryo transfer on September 20.  The meds I'm taking are making me more miserable than they ever have.  All day nausea, headaches and dizziness. In the meantime, keep us in your thoughts and continue the good vibes.

I also want to send my sincerest gratitude to all those that reached out with adoption information as well as putting me in touch with your friends.  Although it didn't work out, it comforts me to know that we know such loving and caring people like you and no matter how sad we get, we know how lucky we are to have the kind of friends that go out of their way like that.  Bless you all.....all our love to you!

Birth mom changed her mind again.  The adoption is off.  Not much to say at this point but as always, we will get through this. Pray for us.

Just a quick update about the adoption.  We have spoken to the lawyers in the state where the birth mom lives and got a ton of information. We also got an expensive estimate for all their work.  Being in infertility hell for the last 8 years has depleted our savings, our credit and we've accepted so many wonderful donations that we could never ask that of anyone again.  We are trying to figure it all out. We are trying to negotiate a lower fee.  We will do everything in our power.  Stay tuned!

I'm working from home today because I'm so worked up that I'm making myself sick. Here's the latest; a while ago, one of my dear friends told me about a woman who was considering placing her unborn baby boy up for adoption. I spoke to the woman and we hit it off and talked for a long time about the importance of raising a baby in a loving home surrounded by family and friends....she has a great family of her own too. She was undecided at the time so Dan and I decided to remain cautious, but hopeful. In June, I learned that she had decided to keep the baby and as hard as it was to hear that, I made peace with it. Dan and I talked and decided to move forward with another embryo adoption. We wanted to wait until the September cycle so we could save money (which we didn't, really) and with the support of my parents and siblings, we selected new families to adopt embryos from. We are currently scheduled for a 9/20 transfer date. SEND US LUCK. Then, last week I learned the pregnant woman (due 10/15) has decided to place her baby up for adoption and would like Dan and I to be the baby's parents. This floored me. I almost passed out. Since Friday, we've been researching, talking to lawyers in her state and talking lawyers in Georgia. Even though this isn't the full blown adoption process, it's still very expensive! Since the baby is due mid October, we have little time to find that money. Which brings me to today, sitting in my bed with anxiety and stomach issues. I'm asking for prayers and support once again that we will find a way to make BOTH blessings happen and that this will all work out somehow. I'm worried we will end up with nothing and that's terrifying. I have a lot of love and support from everyone so I'm thankful to get this all out. Thanks for reading - sometimes I think I shouldn't write....but in this case, if anyone has any advice, ideas or experience with adoption, please let me know! Love always.

Thanks to all that have checked in on us to offer love and support.  It means so much. If I don't respond, it's not because I don't love you back- it's just hard to talk without getting too upset.  So in the meantime, just know we are going to be ok and I have my precious pets taking care of me with lots of good snuggling.

Totally heartbroken again.  I can't begin to understand why we just can't get a miracle.  We have love and support and therefore we will survive this.  Not much else to say right now. Xoxo

Transfer day!  Everything went well.  We transferred three embryos today and now we wait two weeks for our beta.  Two of the embryos looked very good to the doctor and one was just "so-so".  The staff at the NEDC were wonderful and personable and took good care of me.  This whole process is so humbling and you feel so so many emotions at once.  So now I'm just napping- or trying to while Dan lays next to me snoring his head off.  Like he's done any work today?!  Haha.  Thank you all so much for the amazing confidence and love you give us.  I'll write more when I'm a little less out of it.  Xoxo

We are set to go with our protocol! It involves a lot of shots, pill popping and eating healthy and staying zen. I never question putting myself through this craziness....it's a part of the process now and I'm used to it. The embryo transfer date is MARCH 24. I will need lots of prayers, incantations, whatever you can do! Dan and my anniversary is March 28 so I somehow this the timing is poetic. It will be our 7th year of marriage and I can't help reflect on the people we were back then. We had no clue what we were doing and had no one to help us decide what to do. I swear, I should open a concierge service for couples starting out in this journey. There's so much to know and so many directions to go. We thought we were doing what was best for us at the time, but I now realize that creating relationships with doctors that truly care for you is so important. You get so much advice and opinions from everywhere and it can leave you so confused and all the while, you are digging a deeper pile of debt for yourself. It's worthless to look back and have regrets. I've resolved myself to being philosophical about it all....we are doing what we should be doing and we will have the child we are meant for. Pray that everything goes the way it should and that my body cooperates. And most of all, pray I don't run Dan out of the country with my mood swings!! xoxo

Embryos Chosen!

After a month of sifting through over 200 profiles, we finally chose 3 families, each with 2 embryos to adopt. The doctor wants us to have 6 total. There's a lot that factors in to this phase. We chose blastocysts, which are the most advanced, but they have a 70% success rate of unfreezing versus the younger, less advanced multicells or pro nuclei which have a 90-95% unfreeze success rate. Multicell and pro nuclei aren't as healthy and may not be viable when they unfreeze. To make a long story short, we are confident with the ones we chose. The embryologist will now look at each blastocyst after they unfreeze and decide which ones are the best to implant. We are scheduled to have the transfer the week of March 21. This part of the process has been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. We would go through them all, pick the best ones and the clinic would call to say they had been adopted. Lots of people are in the same boat with Dan and me and they go fast. It took many rounds to find the right ones. And I think the ones we picked are great. Keep the prayers coming.

I haven't updated in a while because for a long time, we were in a holding pattern waiting for so many people to finalize paperwork on our behalf. Last Friday, I heard back from the patient coordinator and nurse at the same time that we have finally been medically cleared and our home study was approved!! YAY! I cannot believe we started this whole process in FEBRUARY and it's now mid December and we're finally getting the ball rolling. SOOOOO, I received 3 zip drives of files from the clinic. They each contain donor family profiles organized by embryo "grade". The earliest embryo that is frozen is know as 2PN (pro-nucleus), and if you don't remember these terms from high school embrology, this means it's the state of the cells after the sperm and egg have just joined. The next is called the multicell. When you do IVF, the embryologist looks at how your embryos are dividing on day 3 after fertilization. If they have divided in to 3-8 cells, they are charaterized as multicell and the doctor will transfer them to your uterus on Day 3. Day 3 embryo transfers are riskier, because the embryos aren't growing as fast or well as they could, but many, many IVF cycles have been successful with 3 day transfers. The last stage is called the blastocyst. These are transferred on Day 5 and are just before the embryo hatches. We have this huge pile of files to weed through now and narrow it down from about 225 to 10! Please pray that we have the patience and wisdom to navigate this portion of the process. It's very hard on us, mentally, physically and spiritually. But once we choose our 10 profiles, the doctors decide based on the overall health of the embryos and will transfer the best ones that give us the greatest chance for success. Stay tuned!