Happy Holidays!

Alot of people have told me they have been checking my blog and are wondering how we are doing. It means alot that people still care :)) So here we are, in December and still no good news. Backing up a little......did my second IUI in September and it was unsuccessful. So we decided to inquire about Dan having surgery to correct what is causing his infertility. When we first called the clinic, we were told the surgery would cost $850 out of pocket and we were THRILLED. We scheduled it for the end of October. Then, the week of the surgery, the clinic called to say they made an error and the surgery would cost $6,000! CANCELLED!
I called the clinic to let them have it. They can't play with people's emotions like that. During that call, I learned my insurance would cover the procedure up to 80% after my deductible. Since Dan wasn't on my plan, we would have to wait until January to schedule it. SO, he is now on my plan, and I will be calling the clinic the first chance I get in January to get it scheduled. It's so hard to get excited about ANYTHING because in the past, we've been let down and it's not easy picking yourself back up and coming up with a new plan.
In the meantime, I did ONE MORE IUI right after Thanksgiving and am waiting to test. I'm not hopeful at all. I know that sounds bad, but I just have a feeling......
Here's to hoping 2012 will be or year!! Much love to all and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Operation Dan

Ok, so the last IUI didn't work. Hates it. On to the next plan. I put together our list of options: adopt, another round of IUI, start saving for IVF, quit OR Dan gets surgery to correct the blockage that causes the infertility. After some thought....and sage advice from my friend Rachel...we decided to look into surgery. After all, it can do nothing but help...we open up the possibility of conceiving naturally! But they say it takes up to a year to completely restore sperm production...and we don't have the luxury of time because we are old, blah, blah, blah....So good and bad. I asked Dan to call the clinic to get a quote for the surgery. Last time we checked it was $7,000 out of pocket. So Dan calls and finds out it will cost $650 out of pocket. WHAT? WHY? HOW? Don't ask questions....we don't know. Dan changed his health insurance plan this year so we think they cover it now?! It's the first piece of good news we have ever received throughout this process. I'm still waiting for them to tell us they misquoted. But I'm putting that in the back of my mind for now. So Dan is scheduled to go under the knife on October 21. Please pray for him and the Doctor performing the surgery. The procedure is called a vasoepididymostomy. Google it. Sounds delicious, doesn't it??? Stay tuned....

What's going on? Well....nothing.

What a long, brutal summer it was. I spent most of it popping fertility drugs and laying around bloated and irritable. And now it's September? 2011 is fading away. And good riddance! It's sad how I'm wishing away time....precious time that I know I will regret being so sad, mad and indifferent. Dan and I have come to the realization that our lives are being held captive by this "quest". We don't go out because we need to save money. We don't shop because we have to save money. We have a hard time finding our place in the world because practically everyone we know and hang out with have kids, and their lives revolve around their kids, their activities, vacations, etc. And we want this so badly for ourselves.
Ugh, I sound so depressed. Serious doom and gloom. The reason? Our second IUI was unsuccessful. I did everything right this time. I had acupuncture four times, I ate organic and healthy foods, got plenty of rest, took time off work to avoid stress and overall tried hard to be "zen". And it didn't work. I don't understand why. Dan and I joke about how we should have been fertility doctors because you can charge people thousands and thousands of dollars and you don't have to be right and/or fulfill your job.
I'm depressed because I don't know what we are going to do. We are so depleted, emotionally and mostly financially. We have used all our resources to have money for this. And it's all flushed down the toilet. It SUCKS. But we will persevere. Just have to brainstorm ways to make money...and fast! Vegas anyone?

Third time a charm?

I went to my gyno for a sonohysterogram last week. If you haven't had the pleasure of having one, let me tell you....it's painful, uncomfortable and annoying. Basically, they use the lovely speculum and insert a catheter into your uterus. Then shoot saline through the catheter and watch on the ultrasound monitor as the water spreads throughout your uterus. It's like reverse peeing. Ridiculous. Anywho, mine went really well. The doctor says my uterus is perfect. They think the shadow on the ultrasound was probably just endometrial tissue. So I headed back to the fertility clinic, RBA with the results. The doctor's plan for me now is to increase my clomid dosage, put me on Estrace (estrogen) and progesterone. I took progesterone when I did IVF...boy, it makes you NUTS. So add higher Clomid and estrogen to the mix and I will be a raving psycho. I'm also going to try acupuncture this time. I really, really feel like my stress level and depression is affecting me in an adverse way. I need to take better care of myself and stop focusing on the negative. It's amazing how rejuvenated I can feel after spending time with my girlfriends. They are amazing. So, until mid August, my focus is on my health. Cheers!

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

I'm better now. I am not feeling so dire as I was last week. I'm not going to lie, it sucks inside...but whining about it doesn't fix it. What to do now? TRY AGAIN. I am headed to the doctor tomorrow for a sonohysterogram. They are going to look at my uterus to make sure I don't have any scar tissue, or anything else that would affect conceiving. If everything looks ok, we will try again next month. Thanks for the prayers and love. Wouldn't have made it through the last 5 days.

It's been a while

I know I haven't posted in a while....especially since I was so good about it. The truth is that I've lost my "mojo" and haven't had the same enthusiam since before our IVF trip. The last month has been so difficult. I've kept my head up but deep down, I've felt so unhappy and realizing that time moves on and now I'm another year older.
After some thought, Dan and I decided to move forward with IUI. We went back to RBA, the original clinic that diagnosed us and set the process in motion. I took clomid, used the fertility monitor, waited until we got the "smiley" face and went in to be inseminated. I waited almost two weeks. This past Wednesday night, I told Dan I had a bad feeling. I just knew something wasn't right. I went into work yesterday and still felt weird. There are 4 girls in my office that are pregnant right now. Everyone is joking about how there's something in the water. And yesterday, another girl was making her rounds in the office announcing her pregnancy. I started to feel sad so I went to the bathroom to pull myself together. And sure enough, I realized I had started my period. Nice, huh? I packed my things and went home. I've been crying for the past 36 hours. We failed again. I will take some time to be sad and angry...but I will pick myself up again. We will try again. the journey continues.....

Doctor follow up this morning. I've healed well and everything looks great. BUT, (god I hate but's) polyps are like weeds....you can cut them out, but most likely they will grow back. So, he tells me, if we are going to pursue IVF, or any other assisted reproduction, we need to move forward...like NOW. He says as early as 6 months from now I could have another one growing. Or I could not. They don't know. And he also tells me how my eggs are 37 and I've got about 2 more years before they worry about egg production. Thanks, we didn't know that!$*(#&*&* Hey says if we are doing anything at the fertility clinic, make an appointment, basically for yesterday because they don't want anything interfering with the new treatment we pursue. New treatment? Ummm, we don't know what we are doing. We don't have 15k....so he hands me this brochure (pictured) and I guess these clinics are so popular now, they offer seminars so you and other couples can sit there and learn about IVF. And really? Whose decision to add the babies on to the brochure? Nice touch! I don't see babies or pregnant women EVERY WHERE I go!! And I know all about IVF, the procedure, the process, the pain and sadly the COST. I don't need to sit in another seminar.

Dan and I have decided to seek counseling to help us deal with all this. It takes me little (and Dan a lot) to admit you need help navigating through the pain and anger. The counselor is very nice and helping us work out our sorrow and create a plan on how to come together as a team and work toward new possibilities. Personally, I'm doing and feeling better. I have my moments....like the time I visited my friend in the antepartum wing at Piedmont Hospital and as they wheeled in a new mom holding her baby, I broke down completely. I'll be ok. To anyone who says "what's the hurry"? Um, I'm turning 38 on Friday!!! I am going to figure out what to do come hell or high water!