Feeling hopeless

I have that bad feeling again.  I'm bloated and feel exactly as I do right before my period starts.  I've also been getting my textbook headaches indicating it's on the horizon.  I'm trying so hard to be positive but realize that I'm just not wired that way.  I think I'm so used to bad news that I inherently expect it and I'm not able to change.  It just pisses me off because we had 4 amazing embryos.  The embryologist even commented on them saying they looked the best they could be.  So the problem lies with implantation.  And unfortunately, nothing is really known about why or why not they implant.  Most of the time it's due to a cyst or fibroid, which I already had and got rid of it.  Other than that, they really can't say.  I don't know that it's a NO yet, but I'm preparing for it.  It's the worst feeling in the world.  Pray for us, negative or positive.  It's a treacherous road we're traveling!

Transfer day

So far so good. We drove to Augusta this morning for the frozen embryo transfer. We had two "on ice" and we were lucky to be able to have this back up plan! So, for the past two weeks I've been taking estrogen and progesterone and the clinic thawed the embryos. And today, I went in and stripped down and watched on the ultrasound monitor as they slid the embryos through a catheter into my uterus. It didn't hurt as much this time. This was a relief since my uterus did not contract and I felt much more at ease and breathed through it. It was all over within an hour and now we are home resting. The doctor wants me to relax and keep my blood pressure down. This should be interesting. All that's left to do is wait for two weeks. The hardest part yet! Thank you for all the well wishes and love. I thank God for you all every day.

Augusta Bound

Visited the doctor once again today to check my uterine lining since I've been taking these estrogen pills for the last week.  It measured very well (11cm) so we are ready to move forward with the frozen embryo transfer.  We are scheduled to go to Augusta on Monday, February 18.  In the meantime, I will continue to take the estrogen, plus Endometrin (which assists in embryo implantation by thickening the endometrium) PLUS progesterone oil shots.  Dan was taught how to administer the oil shots.  I was so awesome leaning over a table with my pants down as the nurse showed Dan where on my ass to plunge the huge needle.  So this week is all about calm, happy thoughts.  I scheduled another fertility massage at Magnolia so I can be nice and relaxed this weekend.  Wish us luck and pray!

Frozen Embryo Transfer Update

I can't remember who I've told what at this point, and I'm so inconsistent in updating the blog.  I honestly don't know how I'm up and functioning each day.  I have grown so obsessed with trying to make this all happen, ordering medications, talking to doctors, reading stories on the web, etc.  So here's where we are.....I have started taking estrogen vaginally.....it's a lovely thing I have to do at night before bed.  Not pleasant and sorry for the over-share......then, I went to the doctor last week for a baseline ultrasound and my uterus looks healthy.  No cysts or masses so that means we can move forward with the frozen embryo transfer.  The major thing they are doing different this time is adding an aggressive plan to make the embryos attach and STICK this time.  Starting Monday, Dan will have to administer progesterone oil shots in my ass every night for 10 days.  For those that don't know what this is, it is literally a thick oil in a 22 gauge needle! I know Dan will take great pleasure in stabbing me with a huge needle.  All these meds have made me a raging psycho.  One minute I'm crying, the next I want to rip his face off.  But I digress..... Once all that is done, I believe this is when we will be traveling to Augusta for the transfer.  We have two beautiful embryos left waiting to be implanted.  I am trying to do all that is necessary to prepare my body for this.  I'm eating better, trying to exercise more and drinking smoothies that have all kinds of nutrients that make me feel great.  Other than that, it's in God's hands.  I really hope this is it.  I will never give up, but would LOVE to know that I'm pregnant, especially as my 40th birthday is fast approaching and I'm in a full blown panic.  Stay positive and pray!!  Love to all.

Fertility Massage

I've been thinking of ways to improve my health as I wait for my latest treatment and stumbled upon a great place here in Atlanta called Magnolia Pregnancy Resources.  It is run by a girl named Rebecca, who started out as a pregnancy masseuse and developed a passion for helping women who are both pregnant, and trying to get pregnant.  The place offers Doula services and various mom to be classes.  I went in for a "fertility massage".  This involves cranial sacral therapy (head and neck massage), reflexology and overall massage.  She also put a heated castor oil therapy pack on my stomach.  This is all meant to relax me and increase blood flow to my uterus.  I was wonderful and a little uncomfortable.   I will totally go back though because I feel a difference in my stomach, especially after I eat.
If you are looking for something like this, here is their website....http://www.magnoliapregnancy.com/.  I highly recommend!

sidebar story

I treated myself to a manicure today.....(all these vitamins are making my formerly pathetic nails STRONG!)  And the lady asks me if I'm married....

Me: Yes.
Her: How long?
Me: Almost 4 years.
Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Her: .why?
Me: Why?  OK, I'll tell ya.......

So after I tell her, as she's filing away on my nails, she bursts into tears and starts telling me all about how she struggled to have a baby and she gave up after she turned 40.  Her voice was shrilling and everyone was looking at us as both our eyes filled with tears.  She told me not to give up because she will always regret throwing in the towel.  Breaks my heart.  I gave her a hug and a big tip :)

Follow up today...

Met with Dr Massey this morning.  He spoke with his colleague in Augusta and they think there were some complications/incompatibility with my cervix and the catheter they used when they transferred the embryos.  They say it most likely caused my uterus to contract and created an uncomfortable environment for the embryos.  It did hurt A LOT and I was very uncomfortable while he was doing it.  I didn't have that kind of pain in the Czech clinic.  

That being said, the frozen embryos we have are excellent and he's confident that using a smaller, more flexible catheter will make the next transfer a success.  They want me to move forward once my next cycle starts, which will be at the end of this month.  I only have to take the estrogen and progesterone so I won't have to do any injections with expensive medications.  They aren't sure when the actual transfer will take place.  They say it's typically 21 days after the period starts so that puts us into mid February.  That's all I know for now.....