This has been a rough week. I haven't wanted to go to work or do much of anything. I emailed back and forth with some really great people who've been through similar experiences and we agree it's not a club we want to be a part of. But we all keep going.....move forward. I just watched the movie "Gravity" and heard a quote in it that speaks to me. George Clooney's character is appearing in a dream to Sandra Bullock as she fears she's dying;

Matt Kowalski: I get it. It's nice up here. You can just shut down all the systems, turn out all the lights, and just close your eyes and tune out everyone. There's nobody up here that can hurt you. It's safe. I mean, what's the point of going on? What's the point of living? Your kid died. Doesn't get any rougher than that. But still, it's a matter of what you do now. If you decide to go, then you gotta just get on with it. Sit back, enjoy the ride. You gotta plant both your feet on the ground and start livin' life. Hey, Ryan? It's time to go home.

At times I've felt hopeless and life is too rough.....but there's no point in laying down and waiting to die. We have to keep living life. We have to figure out what it takes to make life happy. We will persevere. I have no clue what our plan is, but we will try to enjoy the ride as much as possible. And with everyone's help, we will do it with laughter and gratitude.

Holidays

I hate this post because I already know I completely sound like "woe is me".  But holidays suck.  Yes, it's awesome having time off work to relax and sleep in.  But it's not fun figuring what to do on days that traditionally  revolve around family fun.  When I was little, my family went to our neighborhood pool for a July 4th bike parade, where we decorated our bikes with streamers and rode around the streets as our parents followed.  After the parade was a day filled with swimming, pool games and contests.  It was amazing.  I always wanted to raise my kids in a neighborhood like mine where all the families knew one another and had such a strong sense of community.  But that hasn't happened.  Dan and I don't know where we belong.  It's not right.  

So what do we do?  We make the best with where we are today I guess.  And keep hoping that the next holiday will bring something better.

We have an appointment with Dr Hasty on July 23.  The practice will be discussing our case this week and try to determine why the embryos didn't attach and why their quality was not perfect with 21 year old eggs.  Dan and I are beyond frustrated.  We trust everything the doctors tell us so when things don't go the way they say, we wonder if anyone knows what the hell they are doing.  I hope we get answers.  And I hope we don't have to stop trying. I'm not ready.  

Another round unsuccessful.  No explanation yet.  We are heartbroken.  Not giving up though.  Just need money and opportunity.

No news yet but I had my blood drawn this morning and I'm waiting for official word. Unofficially, I did 3 home tests and they were all negative. I'm feeling hopeless about everything. I will update the blog if by some miracle I am pregnant, but it's not looking good and I won't be able to type anything if it's bad. Thanks for ALL the prayers and love. We are so lucky to have such amazing support and know that so many people are rooting for us. In the meantime, I'm sharing an article Dan and I did with Money Magazine. It hits the newsstands officially on Friday...but they gave us a preview. Thanks again for following our story. We love you all so much.

Update

Nothing new to report other than the remaining embryos did not survive the freezing process. Which means we are ALL in this time.  I talked to the doctor and only 20-25% of embryos survive in frozen egg donor cycles. So I will try to remain positive and pray that the next week will go by quickly.  I have a blood test on July 1 and will know the results that day.  Keeping the faith!

Embryo transfer day'

Procedure went really well.  The doctor and embryologist commented during the process about how well they nestled in the right place in my uterus.  So now we just wait.  I'm exhausted so I'm home drifting in and out of sleep.
So Monday we had 8 embryos, we put 2 in and may or may not have 2 to freeze.  Four did not survive the week.  The embryologist said that's very typical when using frozen eggs.  Obviously I'm disappointed because we may not have anything to freeze BUT I feel optimistic about this and so do the doctors.

I will update as things unfold. Thank you for all the love and support!

Catching Up

Without going in to all the details of how we got to the place we are now......I thought I'd share what's going on lately.  Dan and I decided to pursue parenthood using an egg donor.  This gives us a higher chance of success and since we are so low on money, morale, sanity, etc......we decided to go for it.  Right now I'm preparing my body for the embryo transfer next week.  Please keep us in your thoughts (if anyone is reading this!).  I will keep you posted.