Just posting an update to say there's nothing really to report other than the fact that Dan lost his job in early December.  I'm not even going to tell you about the holidays.  I will just say that I'm glad they are over.  That makes me really sad.  BUT, we are not giving up.  Dan will find a job and somehow, we will find a way to make the  6k needed to pursue embryo adoption.  One hurdle at a time :(.  Love to all

I had lunch last week with a friend that I had not seen in a long time and she asked me why I haven't been blogging. I told her that my posts were too depressing and I thought it was self indulgent and that I was bumming others out. But she reminded me why I started it in the first place.....to help others understand our plight and to hopefully educate people on the ups and downs of male/female infertility. So I'm back (at least for now). As Dan and I enter another childless holiday season...we are filled with mixed emotions. On one hand, Christmas for me is such a magical time. It has always been my favorite time of year and I always jump in to it wholeheartedly. From putting up decorations to throwing my annual ornament party...I love it so much. On the other hand, we watch as others post photos of their children with Santa, prep them for pageants and school events and parties, assemble their yearly Christmas photo card and scurry all over town trying to find them the perfect toy. This ache in my heart stays with me for weeks. We won't be complaining about how to get all the shopping done or how to make all these holiday parties and children shows.....other than the barks of our precious pets, the house remains relatively quiet. I don't write this to make you feel sorry for us, I write it because I want you to take a moment over these next few weeks and appreciate every moment. Embrace the chaos. Because I can guarantee that there are several couples out there that would LOVE for those chores, engagements and credit card charges to be theirs. Take the time to sit around the fire with hot cocoa and hug your babies....they grow so fast and need their holidays to be made magical. And pray for Dan and me. We are trying hard not to focus on the baby quest. For the moment, we are taking time to just focus on ourselves and our health. My instinct is to dive right back in to figure out what to do next (and I admit I have done some serious research already) but I too need to take the time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy these moments with nieces, nephews, friends and family. Much love for a wonderful holiday season! xoxo

I don't have much to say right now. Our latest donor egg cycle (the second) did not result in pregnancy. I can't begin to describe how I feel. I am exhausted. I constantly have a lump in my throat. But I'm not going there...it is not why I logged in. Some people have asked what is going on. I'm laying out everything we've been through the last five years; Brno- transferred 2 fresh embryos (3 embryos total & 1 arrested....3 day transfer) Servy Massey- Transferred 2 fresh & 2 frozen (6 embryos total & 2 arrested 5 day transfer) ACRM- transferred 3 embryos (6 embryos total & 3 arrested 5 day transfer) ACRM- transferred 2 using donor eggs (8 embryos total & 6 arrested 3 day transfer) ACRM- transferred 2 using donor eggs (4 embryos total & 2 arrested 3 day transfer) RBA- 3 IUIS using donor sperm That's thousands and thousands of dollars. Nothing to show for it. Not sure what we'll do now but pray for us and that some kind of opportunity or miracle will happen or present itself to us.

I spent the day with my perfect nephew/godson Will.  I spoiled him rotten.  We were in the car and he says "Aunt Carrie, I was dreaming about our day together.  And I don't miss mom and dad because I have you with me".  It took everything I have in me to keep from bursting in to tears.  What an amazing soul he is. I love him more than words.  So pure and so true.  I haven't stopped crying since I got home. I want my own so badly.  What is the world doing to me???

Not much new to report other than we submitted an application for a grant from the Blessings of Grace Foundation.  They are a wonderful nonprofit that provides funds for couples struggling with infertility.  We face a difficult road ahead in terms of raising the money needed to try again.  Keep us in your thoughts and pray our application is considered!

Dan and I met with Dr. Hasty yesterday at ACRM. She said that the donor eggs were most likely the culprit. A normal young girl can have eggs that look good, but just don't freeze and/or unfreeze well. Just our bad luck. Ridiculous. Life's a bitch. She strongly feels we should try donor cycle one more time with a proven donor and they've already sent me a new profile. She gave me the name of a non profit that gives scholarship money to couples in need for treatment. She also said she'd give me a little break on the cost. We have depleted all our savings, credit cards and 401k's so we have no choice but to beg for donations. That's how badly we want to be parents.

This has been a rough week. I haven't wanted to go to work or do much of anything. I emailed back and forth with some really great people who've been through similar experiences and we agree it's not a club we want to be a part of. But we all keep going.....move forward. I just watched the movie "Gravity" and heard a quote in it that speaks to me. George Clooney's character is appearing in a dream to Sandra Bullock as she fears she's dying;

Matt Kowalski: I get it. It's nice up here. You can just shut down all the systems, turn out all the lights, and just close your eyes and tune out everyone. There's nobody up here that can hurt you. It's safe. I mean, what's the point of going on? What's the point of living? Your kid died. Doesn't get any rougher than that. But still, it's a matter of what you do now. If you decide to go, then you gotta just get on with it. Sit back, enjoy the ride. You gotta plant both your feet on the ground and start livin' life. Hey, Ryan? It's time to go home.

At times I've felt hopeless and life is too rough.....but there's no point in laying down and waiting to die. We have to keep living life. We have to figure out what it takes to make life happy. We will persevere. I have no clue what our plan is, but we will try to enjoy the ride as much as possible. And with everyone's help, we will do it with laughter and gratitude.