Happy Thanksgiving

Just a quick post because I just finished watching the latest episode of This Is Us amd feeling my feelings.   If you've known someone that experienced the loss of a baby and told them you didn't know how they felt, watch this episode and you will have a good idea of how they felt.  Everything Kate said and did is something I've said or done.  If you think this show is too sappy or not your "thing", fine.  But if you ever find yourself in a place where you are trying to help a friend or family member through loss, this show does an amazing job portraying those feelings.  It's like free therapy playing out on tv.  And for me, the key takeaway is the phrase, "this will not break us.  We will try again".  I've said this the ten times we've experienced loss.  That's all for now.  Happy Thanksgiving and love and more love.

In case you are wondering why we don’t have our baby yet, I’ll attempt to explain.  Adoption is expensive.  CRAZY expensive.  I’ll try and break it down for you with an example from a profile we recently reviewed.  This standard adoption included the following fees;

Agency referral $500

Birth Mom Soc. Services $7,000

Adoptive Parent Soc. Services $7,000

Administrative Fees $1,250

Out of State Home Study Review $900

Legal Fees $4,000

Placement Fee $7,000

Out of State Adoption Fees $1,250

That’s the reality.  And couple this with the enormous amount of debt you already have maxing out credit cards and taking out loans to pay for all the past IVF procedures (over $55,000), you have a mess and a constant weight on your shoulders and stress so awful, you wonder how you can get out of bed every day.  I have missed a lot of work!!  In a perfect world, I would NEVER have asked for anyone’s help.  Dan and I took on a lot ourselves before we asked for help.  And because of you, we were able to do so much to get us this far in the adoption process.  We have an agency working hard to find birth moms for us, we have counselors helping us to maintain our sanity, we had our home study completed and approved, and we put together a beautiful profile book for a birth mom to consider giving us her baby.  We literally would not have been able to do any of that without your help.  Those are major steps that enable us to get further in the process, but we still have a way to go.  Which leaves me with this letter.  The more we agonize about this, the more we understand that it isn’t about asking people for money.  It’s about asking them to become part of our story.  It’s about our baby’s story and how he/she got to be able to come home.  So I have a proposal for you.  A heart dropbox.  It would look something like this;

It works like this: 1. We have hundreds of little wooden hearts.   2. We are “selling” each piece for $20 (or $10 or $5?, we don’t care!). You can choose to buy 1, 2, 3, or 10! There is no limit! You can even go half with someone! 3. You can purchase via PayPal (cclark6@yahoo.com), click the “Donate” button that is in the right column of our blog, venmo me @carrie-zampich or you can email me for our address and send a check in the mail. 4. Once you purchase a piece, we will send you a heart to “decorate” or write your own message and mail it back to us. 5. Once every single piece has been “sold”, we will assemble the hearts and hang it in a double-sided glass frame in the baby’s room so that they can always look back and be reminded of who has a heart and a hand in bringing him/her home!

I know it’s a lot to ask of friends that have already done SO much.  Seriously, we think of you all daily and how much you’ve done and we are SO grateful and try to give back every day and be better people.  It would be an amazing thing if you could help a little more and spread the word! Share it with your families and friends. Thank you! We love you! Carrie & Dan

To those that are asking, wondering, concerned;  we are on hold in our process as Dan continues to look for a permanent job.  He has some leads and is doing his due diligence, that I can assure you.  Hey, do you know anyone hiring graphic designers ;)

So in the meantime, we struggle.  I struggle.  Bear with me, because this is difficult to explain.  I was walking Minnie and Mylo one super early morning last week in our apartment complex.  I saw a couple come out of their apartment and he ran ahead of her to their car.  I looked closer at her as she grabbed her stomach, breathing heavily and I realized she was in labor.  I asked her to confirm and she said 'yes'.  I congratulated her and wished her a safe, healthy and quick labor.  As I walked away, I started getting really upset.  I'd never know that feeling, or what that moment is like.  I let it take over my thoughts and descended down that "woe is me" path and just let it consume me all day.

A lot of this process is readjusting your expectations and trying not to focus on the negative and keep it on what you DO have.  I am healthy.  Dan is healthy.  But still, questions overwhelm and occupy my mind.....when is it our turn? what did we do wrong? are we being punished?  is this because I waited too long to have kids?  I've made so many promises to be a better person if I could just have this one thing.  I have struggled with faith. I don't know where to stand on anything. So what DO I do in this meantime?
All I can do is strive for patience and seek faith.  This means I have to trust and believe when it’s easy and when it’s nearly impossible.  I've had so many people tell me when I break down, that these are the moments when I need hope the most, because these instances are showing me signs of hope.  I could have been walking my dogs any other time....god knows I didn't want to get out of bed that early to walk them!  But I did at the exact moment I saw a couple embarking on one of their greatest adventures in life.  
This all has to mean something.  I'll have that moment, it will just be different for us because instead of Dan running to get the car for me as I wait in pain, it will be that crazy anticipation for that phone call to get to the hospital.  I just have to change the way I think.  Don't go the "woe is me" path. Don't be negative. I certainly have my limits, but I will continue to learn and grow. This struggle is not something I would wish on anyone.  But I am here and I must continue to believe completely and absolutely in our potential.  We will endure this and we will overcome this. 

I'm quite proud of the "work" we put into our adoption profile book.  It's a highly personal thing and scary to think that our life story is crammed into 22 pages.  I've always been so open about our journey so I figured I'd share some of the photos from the book.  I'll post more once the process starts, but we need to raise more money before we can move forward.  Pray for us, we need it now more than ever!  xoxo

Second appointment done!

Dan and I had another meeting with Jenny at AIS.  We went over what our profile book should look like and we are still working on that.  It's really important because it's the first impression the birth mom has of a couple.  It's like making a Tinder profile or EHarmony.  I never did online dating but I know it's difficult to put yourself out there and finding the right thing to say and the right photos are key!  After that, she gave us information on two agencies she felt would be a good match for us to work with.  They are very different and have different pros and cons.  I never expected this process to be as complicated and thorough as it is.  There is so much to think over.   Do we want a small agency that's hands-on and nurtures their birth moms and has lower failure rates but fewer placements, meaning we'd have to wait longer?  Or do we want a large agency with birth moms all over the country that provides more placements but is more competitive and you have less information on the birth moms' progress?  But you can have a baby sooner.  Obviously it's a lot to think about and consider.  That's why I say I didn't expect it to be so complicated.  Then again I never thought I would have to consider these things.  I have such a tremendous amount of respect for families that have been in or going through this process.  It's not easy.  It is a totally different compartment of stress, emotion and WORK that we've been faced with.  But after everything we've been through with all the IVF and embryo transfers, it's almost becoming a new normal.  I won't know what to do if I'm not trying to raise money, or complete some form, or get a painful medical test done.  I guess (or hope) that's what parenthood will bring.  A new bout of stress, emotion and work.  But I will happily welcome that.  It will feel good to actually being doing something so worthwhile and have something amazing result in the end.  I hope I know what that feels like.  We still have to find more money so we still need to fundraise and apply for grants.  Pray for us.  As always, thank you for caring and for your love and support.  Next time, I'll share our profile book.  Love to you all!  Carrie

Our first appointment with the adoption counselor last night was very informative. 

First topic discussed was finances. Our counselor Jenny (whom I loved)  broke it all out and gave us costs and timelines and all that fun stuff. Moving on...

This is how it works.  We create our profile book.  This is the book created in Shutterfly that has pictures of us and text explaining who we are, all about our families, our community and our values.  This book goes to all the adoption agencies  AIS works with all over the country. When birth moms come in to the adoption agencies, they look through the books and choose the adoptive parents they wish to "match" with.  AIS sends us an email telling us a birth mom has asked to match with us.  We then look at her profile and we decide if we want to match with her.  Once we agree....it's a done deal.  That being said....there's a 20% failure rate where someone changes their mind.  Most of the time it's the birth mom.  This happened to me and Dan.  It also happened to our counselor Jenny.  It sucks.

Next topic, exploring our "tolerances".   They stressed that tolerance does not mean preference.  It simply allows us the opportunity to assess our tolerance level in situations or circumstances that could arise before we become emotionally involved in the possibility of a match. They will notify us on a case-by-case basis with anything we '"red flag".  The facts she gave us that were disheartening.  85% of birth moms smoke up to 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day.  Some as much as 40-50% use pot/opiates/methadone during their pregnancy.  They referred us to a website mothertobaby.org to get some facts on drug effects on babies.  They also discussed mental illness and what we are willing to tackle as far as that goes.  The good thing is we can say NO and that means they won't match us to ANY birth moms that admit to any of the things mentioned above.  Then again,  she could lie.  But this could also mean we wait a lot longer.  We can also say YES and they match us to a birth mom and we are allowed to look at her records and see that she smoked in the first trimester only, or she drank in the third trimester only, this and that, and then make a decision from there.  Bottom line....No to a profile means NEVER and yes to a profile means "we will consider but could still say no".  Is your head spinning?  Mine is.

After all this, we were instructed to move forward with renewing our home study and keep raising money in the adoption fund.  We have a lot of paperwork to do.  We will have another appointment with the counselors in the next month or so.  That's it for now!

I feel hungover today even though I didn't drink anything. I look like I slept in my car and my head hurts from taking in so much information last night. I thought I knew a lot about adoption and last night I learned I know about 50% of the process. I'll start from the beginning. Dan and I went to a place called Adoption Information Services (AIS), a place my fabulous doctor Lisa Hasty recommended who are consultants that provide education, guidance, referrals and advocacy throughout your adoption process. They're not brokers or an agency...they do not profit from the adoptions themselves. It's run by this HILARIOUS woman named Marcia, who adopted her own children internationally. She's sarcastic and real and compassionate and smart. In fact, the two other women present at the seminar that work for her adopted their children and shared their personal stories. Once we all sat down, there were four other couples there and we went around the room and introduced ourselves and shared our journeys and what led us to adoption. Dan and I definitely had the longest story and some jaws dropped (including Marcia's) when we told them everything. There was a comment from another couple about how much levity we brought to the room and that made me feel really good because that truly is what keeps me sane throughout this. I have to laugh. The alternative is not an option. Humor is everything.

Moving on to what stirs me, they talked about something I had never given life to....the "tolerance checklist". AIS gives this to you to allow you the opportunity to assess your tolerance level in situations or circumstances that may arise with birth parents or the child before you are emotionally involved in the possibility of a match. What does this mean?

Stop. Pretend you don't have kids. Think about these things;

What age would you consider?
What ethnic background(s) would you consider?
Would you consider a birth mom who was homeless, been abused, incarcerated, raped, uneducated, unemployed, on welfare?
How important is her medical history to you? What if she's diabetic? Overweight? Epileptic? Has past addictions? Had cancer? Is bipolar? Has ADHD? Has an STD? Tests for drugs and/or alcohol? Smokes?

Oh my gosh, it's A LOT to take in! Age and ethnicity are easy to approach and some of them you think (drugs, mental illness), "oh no, I could never!" But then you sit back and really think about it and you want a child so desperately and have to dig deep and evaluate your true feelings and what you can truly handle and accept. And I think we could. I have friends with children with special needs and they exhibit beautifully what it means to love unconditionally. That's very important information to take in. They move on to how open you want the adoption - open, semi-open or closed. I used to think I'd want it closed, but all experts recommend semi-open or open because it's the best option for the child as they deserve to know about their birth parents. One of the women shared a poignant story about her son. She had a closed adoption and one day she was helping her son with his homework and he looked at her and asked if he was good at math because of her or because of the woman who gave birth to him. He was always asking little questions like that. She decided that day she would track down the birth mom and days later her son got on the phone with her and got to ask all those questions. Then poof, all his curiosities went away and he seemed at peace. So if that's what is best, I feel like that's what we need to do.

After a lot more talk and many questions from all the couples. My head is starting hurt and Dan is cracking jokes about how I watch Lifetime TV for Women and Marcia says to terminate that channel from our lineup. The topic of financing an adoption comes up. Obviously this is the hurdle for most people. They explain how they work. We pay AIS a small fee and they help us create our "profile book" which is like one of those Kodak photo books with text telling the birth mom all about us and our family, friends, pets, our neighborhood, our house, how we met and what we like to do in our spare time. Then AIS gets to work reaching out to adoption agencies all over the country - notably those in states with favorable adoption policies to match us. Once they find adoptable babies, they send us their profiles (using criteria from our tolerance checklist) and we decide if we want to send our "photo book" to the birth mom to consider us. If she picks us, it's done.....we wire the money to the agency and they filter it to lawyers, the birth mom and other parties involved. Once she's in labor, we are called and we wait at the hospital and the birth mom decides how involved we get to be. We could be in the room, or we could not. Some hospitals allow us to have a private room to wait. Depending on the laws of the state where the baby is born, you have a waiting period for the birth mom to sign the termination papers. Some are 48 hours, 12 hours and some are 10 days! They shared a story of a woman who only had to wait 48 hours for the birth mom to terminate rights but she wasn't allowed in the room and the birth mom's sister and mom and dad were in the room and she was breast feeding the baby. The adoptive mom was freaking out and called AIS and they talked to her to keep her calm and eventually they handed the baby over to her.

All this got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking. And over thinking. And trying to sleep. And no sleep. And my stomach hurts. Is it worth it? Yes, it is. It really is. This is a sure thing. The only thing keeping us moving forward is money. Which really, really sucks. So when people ask why I share my story, most if it TRULY is to educate others about infertility and adoption and part of it is to ask for help because although it pains us to ask for donations, we tell ourselves that we aren't asking others to give us money to help us buy a house or fund plastic surgery.....we are asking friends....loved ones to help us make this the last Christmas we wake up without having hope of a baby to shower gifts on or the last birthday where I blow out the candles wishing for a baby. We tried doing everything we could on our own and we came up empty. Thanks for reading this long, melodramatic post. I could not get up every day and smile and have hope without each and every one of you.