Surfing the crimson wave

I was going to post a photo of myself in bed today but I'm too hideous for words. I woke at 5am with the worst cramps I've ever had and sure enough, my period has started. I'd been taking so much estrogen and progesterone to thicken my endometrium lining, that when my period finally came, it's ten times more than it usually is. An absolutely gross reminder that your IVF didn't work!
We are so sad and angry that we are still in this fight. To me, it feels like four deaths. Four perfect embryos betrayed by my body. I just don't get it. I did so many things to prepare my body. What is it going to take???? I turn 40 in a few months and can't fathom how I will feel. Such a milestone and I'm still living in limbo, hoping my life can start as soon as we have a family. No one understands why I mean when I say how this process puts your life on hold. When you want something so bad, you put everything aside and all your energy, focus, drive and money goes into it....it doesn't leave much else at the end of the day.
Sorry to be so doom and gloom. I'll be going back to see Dr Massey this week or next and hear his thoughts and recommendations on what's next. We won't give up. We can't.