"I was in the path of the tornado, I just didn't expect the storm to last as long as it has". This quote is from one of my favorite movies. It's kinda the way I feel about the last four years. You know that feeling you have during a violent storm? That anxiety, the unsettling feeling of not knowing what to do or what is going to happen? How it can literally knock you on your ass and strike fear in you? Living with uncertainty this long is brutal. You can' plan your future! And you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but still....every setback knocks me back down and sets me into a tizzy. So everything was going great and I was getting ready to start my stimulating medications. I went in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound went great.....I have 6 healthy follicles on my right ovary and 5 on the left. Then they took my blood. My nurse called me later that day to say my estrogen levels were elevated and that she wants me to hold off on the stim meds until it goes down. I have to stay on the Lupron in the meantime. I'm frustrated because this pushes my protocol back. I'm not sure how many days. I have an appointment on Tuesday to find out. I'm glad the doctor is being cautious, but it's hard when you set your heart and mind on something and you're told you have to wait longer. But we will.....just going to have to trust the doctor and try and be zen! Pray for us!

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a baby girl and didn't remember any of it. I had to be put to sleep for the labor and birth so when they showed me the baby, I didn't believe she was mine. And the doctors and nurses and family were asking me her name and I had no clue because I was so out of it and didn't even know what my own name was. And she wasn't a newborn, she was more like a "soap opera" baby where they come out looking six months old. Weird, right? I think my subconscious is coming up with a Plan B already if this next IVF doesn't work. Many people are asking what we will do if it doesn't and the question they ALWAYS ask is, "Have you thought about adoption"? The answer is yes, we have and it's a HUGE undertaking. I'm focused right now on being healthy and centered and making this time work!! I started the Lupron shots on Monday....I do them right before bed. Lupron causes the pituitary gland to release high amounts of FSH and LH (luteinizing hormone) for several days until its stores are depleted. This controls my LH surge and enables the doctor to control the premature maturation of eggs. The side effects are making me a little queasy and giving me some mother-f%^&ing headaches. The doctors have decided to perform TESA on Dan, which is the less invasive sperm extraction procedure a day or two before my egg transfer. This ensures we have the HEALTHIEST egg and sperm for them to use to create the embryos. At our ages, our eggs and sperm aren't "top notch"...so this way, the doctors can look at them up-close! I don't start the heavy duty stimulating medications until next week. It's looking like the procedures will be the second week of July. So cross fingers and toes that it all goes smoothly and on schedule. Thanks again for love and support!

Day Seven

I'm on day seven of my cycle so on Friday of this week, I am headed to the clinic for a "trial transfer". At that time, they will use saline through a catheter to see how my cervix is angled so that they know exactly how to position it for the real embryo transfer. I will also start the stimulating injection medications. I feel like an old pro at them so I'm not scared about it. Other than that, not a lot going on right now. I did turn 40 last week and it was depressing, but my dear friends spoiled me rotten so it made it less dreadful. I'll post more next week once I see the doctor. Dan did meet with the Urologist and they feel in order to give us the best chance possible for the healthiest embryos, they need to perform TESE (testicular sperm extraction) this time. This is the big needle that pulls out the healthiest sperm....Dan will be anesthetized so you don't have to cringe :) Thanks for all the love and support. Write soon. xoxo

Nothing new to report yet. Waiting for my period to start so I can get my protocol.....but I saw this on Facebook today and had to share. I think it applies to everyone....so perfectly written!

Tyler Perry writes: I THANK GOD FOR CLOSED DOORS When I wake up in the morning and see the sunrise as I’m running, I thank God for new mercies every day. As I was running this morning I started thinking about this and you know how much I like to share my morning thoughts… LOL I was out just thinking about my life and all the times that I wished that a door had opened. All the times I had promoters and people lie to me saying that they would help me... I remember wishing the bank would approve my loan request for a house or a car (usually one I couldn’t afford at the time). I wished that this person would help me or that person would do something to help my business, or this person would help my dreams come true. As I look back now I’m so glad that none of those situations worked out. I’m so glad God closed those doors because they forced me to find the right path for me. If you’re in this situation and you feel like doors are closing all around you and you are frustrated, here’s something I’d like you to think about: Life can be like a living maze. You know what a maze is. In a maze, you start out at one end and your objective is to find your way to the finish line. Many times you may make a turn and hit a dead end and you have to go another way. Just like life, that door closing on you sends you another way. It doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen, it just means you need to go another way. If you keep moving, eventually you will get to where you’re going. Another thing that is important when you’re in a maze, as in life, is to remember where you have been. If you get turned around and confused in a maze, in order to get out, you have to remember the dead-ends that you have already hit. Just like in life you have to remember all the doors that were closed so you don’t waste time going that way again. If you want to get to your dreams you can’t expect to get there by doing the same thing and going to the same spots. You must try something different. I’m not saying give up on your dream, I’m saying try another path to the same dream. Same maze, same dream, but take a different direction to get there. I feel sorry for people who have a dream and give up because it gets hard. Let me tell you something, "IT’S GOING TO GET HARD!" And my answer to that is, "SO WHAT? MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!" Don’t stop because a door closed. I have learned to thank God for closed doors. You have to know that if God wanted you to go that way, no man could close that door. But for some reason he allowed that door to be closed, but if that one was closed I assure you that there is one that is open somewhere. And it’s the right one. Don’t stop until you are living your dream. Is this helping anybody?