Procedure was done yesterday.  It was awful and now Dan and I are focused on healing mentally and physically.  I won't be posting for a while.  Thank you so much for keeping up with us and letting me share our story.   Happy Thanksgiving to all and love you all so much!

Sadness

Went back for an ultrasound today and confirmed no heartbeat.  Doctor says just from looking at it, there appears to have been a chromosomal abnormality.  I have a D&C (dilation and curettage) scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I chose to do this because (1) they can test the tissue to confirm abnormalities and determine whether the egg or the sperm are deficient (she's 90% it's my eggs) and (2) I won't bleed and/or have a physical reminder of the miscarriage. Obviously this is the most difficult thing we've been through this far in our journey.....and also the farthest we've come.  Once we have the lab results back from the tissue observation, we will make a decision on what to do next.  Giving up is not an option.  It's been almost five years of trying and as sad and pissed off as we are.....all that rage and tears are channeled into trying harder.
Thank you for all the wonderful emails, text messages, flowers, food, etc.  I know I would not be functional if it weren't for family and friends.  This process has tried to take my sanity (thankful for zoloft) , my health (high bp) , my looks (weight gain and countless gray hairs and wrinkles) and yet it will be all worth it when we finally get our baby.  Love to all and HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Fourth heartbreak

A lot of people say to me, "I don't know what you're going through but I'm here for you".  So I'm going to do my best to explain what it feels like.  Imagine planning your wedding with your fiancé that you love very much.  You've picked out the flowers, the menu, etc and you have nightly dreams about what the wedding will be like.  Your friends and family are so excited for you and ask you for updates on everything and are sharing your joy as if it's happening to them.  Life is so blissful and you feel so surrounded by love.  Married friends:  do you remember this feeling?  Ok, now imagine suddenly your fiancé disappears.  You have no idea where he went, no idea WHY he left and you will never see your dream come in to fruition after all your planning.  Everyone around you is hugging you and crying and you feel numb.  And everyone around you has a spouse and you've been to their weddings and see how happy they are.
Now you feel a huge weight is sitting on your chest and all you want to do is scream and throw things.  That sums it up.  I don't care if people think this is overly dramatic or that I'm having a pity party.  I'm pissed.  And I'm sick of crying about this and I'm sick of seeing how much it devastates my family.
I'm thankful that I have a wonderful boss that is letting me work through this at home.  I thought work would be a good distraction but my anxiety is too awful to even get up.  I go back to the doctor on Monday for another ultrasound to confirm the baby is gone and they will do a d&c.  This is done partly so they can study tissue matter to confirm chromosomal abnormalities.  We will then discuss what to do next.  My doctor is very empathetic and hopeful that we can come up with a new plan......whether that be egg donation or adoption.....we don't know.  Please send us good vibes and love.  I can't thank you enough for your support and constant faith in our quest.

I went in for an ultrasound this morning and the heartbeat has slowed and there's little hope.  We are devastated and trying to process all this.  I can't talk or write and can't even think about what to do now.  Please pray for us.

Update from Jamie

"The heartbeat is fine.  It is not expected to be high yet.  It was strong and very noticeable, and that is not what I heard her say.  The doctor certainly does not want anyone to have any expectations.  It was such a stressful experience.  She just calmly and quietly said what she said, and for two seconds our lives changed and then I saw the heartbeat and our lives changed again.  It was like a doctor saying, you have cancer and then saying oh just kidding.  It was not a fun experience.  I went and sat in my car and stared into space for a bit.  It stinks to have it start like this, but the reality is, once there is a heartbeat, the pregnancy is likely to take.  She did say that the growing was really great.  KEEP POSITIVE AND BELIEVE.  IT IS GOING TO BE FINE"

6.5 weeks

I just  had the most heart stopping ultrasound.  The dr went in and started to say "oh carrie, I don't like this".  Then she shifted the ultrasound wand and poof!  There was the heartbeat.  Everything looked normal except the baby's heartbeat is  strong but a little slower than she'd like.  It was 86 bpm and she wants it to be 95-120 bpm.    But I'm hopeful and thanking God for this miracle and praying harder that we progress.  Jamie was there and got to witness the painful roller coaster that is our reality.  We need prayers now more than ever.  Xoxo

5.5 Weeks

Had my first ultrasound today and it went as well as can be expected.  She saw both the amniotic and yolk sacs and they measured normal.  It's hard to read these things but in the photo above, the black circle in the middle of all that shading is the yolk sac.  No heartbeat yet...it's too early, so I go back next week for another ultrasound.  A whole week of not going to the doctor?  What shall I do????  Keep the prayers coming.  So exciting!!

Still rising

Went for another blood test today and my hormones are rising at a normal level so I'm relieved!   Next up is an ultrasound on Tuesday. I can't believe this is happening....I'm starting to get less neurotic!  Prayers must be working :).  Xoxo