Not much new to report other than we submitted an application for a grant from the Blessings of Grace Foundation.  They are a wonderful nonprofit that provides funds for couples struggling with infertility.  We face a difficult road ahead in terms of raising the money needed to try again.  Keep us in your thoughts and pray our application is considered!

Dan and I met with Dr. Hasty yesterday at ACRM. She said that the donor eggs were most likely the culprit. A normal young girl can have eggs that look good, but just don't freeze and/or unfreeze well. Just our bad luck. Ridiculous. Life's a bitch. She strongly feels we should try donor cycle one more time with a proven donor and they've already sent me a new profile. She gave me the name of a non profit that gives scholarship money to couples in need for treatment. She also said she'd give me a little break on the cost. We have depleted all our savings, credit cards and 401k's so we have no choice but to beg for donations. That's how badly we want to be parents.

This has been a rough week. I haven't wanted to go to work or do much of anything. I emailed back and forth with some really great people who've been through similar experiences and we agree it's not a club we want to be a part of. But we all keep going.....move forward. I just watched the movie "Gravity" and heard a quote in it that speaks to me. George Clooney's character is appearing in a dream to Sandra Bullock as she fears she's dying;

Matt Kowalski: I get it. It's nice up here. You can just shut down all the systems, turn out all the lights, and just close your eyes and tune out everyone. There's nobody up here that can hurt you. It's safe. I mean, what's the point of going on? What's the point of living? Your kid died. Doesn't get any rougher than that. But still, it's a matter of what you do now. If you decide to go, then you gotta just get on with it. Sit back, enjoy the ride. You gotta plant both your feet on the ground and start livin' life. Hey, Ryan? It's time to go home.

At times I've felt hopeless and life is too rough.....but there's no point in laying down and waiting to die. We have to keep living life. We have to figure out what it takes to make life happy. We will persevere. I have no clue what our plan is, but we will try to enjoy the ride as much as possible. And with everyone's help, we will do it with laughter and gratitude.

Holidays

I hate this post because I already know I completely sound like "woe is me".  But holidays suck.  Yes, it's awesome having time off work to relax and sleep in.  But it's not fun figuring what to do on days that traditionally  revolve around family fun.  When I was little, my family went to our neighborhood pool for a July 4th bike parade, where we decorated our bikes with streamers and rode around the streets as our parents followed.  After the parade was a day filled with swimming, pool games and contests.  It was amazing.  I always wanted to raise my kids in a neighborhood like mine where all the families knew one another and had such a strong sense of community.  But that hasn't happened.  Dan and I don't know where we belong.  It's not right.  

So what do we do?  We make the best with where we are today I guess.  And keep hoping that the next holiday will bring something better.

We have an appointment with Dr Hasty on July 23.  The practice will be discussing our case this week and try to determine why the embryos didn't attach and why their quality was not perfect with 21 year old eggs.  Dan and I are beyond frustrated.  We trust everything the doctors tell us so when things don't go the way they say, we wonder if anyone knows what the hell they are doing.  I hope we get answers.  And I hope we don't have to stop trying. I'm not ready.  

Another round unsuccessful.  No explanation yet.  We are heartbroken.  Not giving up though.  Just need money and opportunity.

No news yet but I had my blood drawn this morning and I'm waiting for official word. Unofficially, I did 3 home tests and they were all negative. I'm feeling hopeless about everything. I will update the blog if by some miracle I am pregnant, but it's not looking good and I won't be able to type anything if it's bad. Thanks for ALL the prayers and love. We are so lucky to have such amazing support and know that so many people are rooting for us. In the meantime, I'm sharing an article Dan and I did with Money Magazine. It hits the newsstands officially on Friday...but they gave us a preview. Thanks again for following our story. We love you all so much.