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We are still on hold right now because we had a few references we had to get to the case worker. She confirmed today that she had everything she needed and would be drafting our home study over the next few days. I pray that she likes us and will give us a good recommendation. Once that's in, the clinic will hopefully approve it and start us with the profile matching process. Once all this happens (god willing) I will post more about that process. In the meantime, I wanted to put something out in to the universe that helps explain my daily state of mind. My sisters have pointed out a few times that I'm too negative and have a pessimistic view on life. I took these observations in and started to really think about my attitude. Most of the time, I'm putting on a brave face and always, always trying to make others laugh. To my core, I love to laugh and I LOVE funny people and have so many funny friends. So, to hear that I project negativity, I feel the need to explain how this whole process has changed me. First and foremost, all the hormones you take...the estrogen, the progesterone, the lupron, the egg stimulating drugs, the steroids....while they benefit the IVF process, they do heinous things to your body and your mind. I've gained over 40 pounds over 6 years. I constantly sweat (even when the room is freezing cold), my blood pressure fluctuates from feeling like I'm going to faint to feeling like I ran a marathon. I can easily go from laughing to crying and will bite your head off if you look at me sideways. For example, I was in the Target parking lot the other day and got in a fight with another driver who tried to call me out on my bad driving, so I screamed at him like a psychopath. I'm not writing these things to make people feel sorry for me, I'm writing them to try and explain that this process has not made me bitter, it has made me more compassionate towards others. The bitch you see in line at the airline counter yelling at the agent, or the "facebragger" that constantly tries to portray a perfect life.....they are going through SOMETHING, something that makes them project either negativity or phoniness. You just never know. As for my negativity, I ask you to bear with me. It's hard facing the day sometimes when you want something so badly and have no control over how to get it. It's hard to console a husband that gets so angry sometimes he can't be around others. Frankly, it's hard for us sometimes to be in a world full of children that belong to someone else. I have such a strong pull inside me to be a mom.....that will never go away. I'll leave you with this.....I babysat one night for a 5 year old and we were drawing and he said to me, "how do you spell 'I love Carrie'"? It's like the best and HARDEST thing to hear. It's like your heart starts hurting from so much happiness, then it feels like it will burst into a million pieces because you feel so broken that this isn't your child. Blah, ok, that's all. BE COMPASSIONATE. BE HUMBLE. BE KIND. Much love to you all.