Gloomy days

I just want to say thanks for the messages and emails. They mean so much to me. I'm sorry if I don't call you back right away. Honestly, I can't even think about this without either getting sooo upset and MAD. I have been doom and gloom all week. My only lifeline is Facebook. It makes me envious to see how so many people are traveling to fun places and doing fun things and angry that this process has put our lives on hold for almost four years now. We are never going to give up but that also means we remain captive by the situation. Ugh, I hate myself for being full of self pity....it's just one of those days. My period started and has hit me like a ton of bricks. Sooo much pain and a constant reminder of our situation. Bah. I'll go now. Sorry for the sadness!

I woke up this morning feeling so sad. I am waiting for the clinic to call me to say it was a mistake or something. I guess it's a self defense mechanism to keep from feeling utter despair. It feels like a death almost.....because you have so many dreams wrapped up in the process. What will our baby look like? What names do we like? When would the baby be due?And now we have to let that go because it's not meant to be. Who knows where we go from here - that is something we discuss with the doctor. We are definitely out of money and have maxed out our credit and 401k's. This is why it stings even more. We robbed Peter to pay Paul to make this happen.
I was asked if I regret sharing this part of our journey again when it ends so sadly. My answer is still no regrets. All of you have been amazing and supportive and encouraging beyond words. This process can be so lonely and make you feel like a leper and I have never felt that at all. I have always had great friends that want the best for me as I do for them. So thank you. I don't know when I will post again. There's not much else I can say right now without sounding sad and pitiful! So I'm off for now. Love to all! Xoxo

It didn't work. I don't feel like writing now. We are obviously so upset. I will write later when I've calmed down. Thank you so much for your love and prayers.

Merry Christmas

On the eve of my doctor appointment, I want to share the most wonderful letter from my goddaughter Miller Olson. There is nothing more precious to me in the world than a child. I hope you all had a merry christmas. Love to you all!

Two week wait

This is by far the hardest part of the process. A total mind fu?k. You are on all this progesterone and estrogen that make you so emotional, not to mention their effects mimic pregnancy symptoms. I am tired, my boobs hurt, back hurts, etc. So with the waiting, you are so tempted to do a home pregnancy test. Its been 7 days since my transfer, and about 7 days until my period, so naturally I'm tempted. I read up on it and find this;

"As tempting as it is, fertility patients are advised not to use home pregnancy tests. Home pregnancy tests can render false results for fertility patients, either negative or positive. A false positive can result because hCG is given to “trigger” ovulation and may remain in the blood and a home pregnancy test cannot determine the difference between the two. A false negative might occur because a low level of hCG may be undetectable in a urine test despite a pregnancy starting."

So I decide not to do one. Until I decide to do one. At 6am today because the world is supposed to end and I wanted to see if I was. And I get a negative result. What does this do? Puts me in a horrible state of mind. I throw out the rest of the tests in the box. I'm pissed. I'm scared. I wish I could kick my own ass. I can't go back to sleep. Uggggghhhhh!!!!! I need some reassurance. Maybe I will call the nurse. I wish I could sleep until I know it's safe to test with accuracy. Pray for us!!

Update

Two embryos made it to freezing. It's great to know we have a back up plan and/or option for siblings. I go to doctor for pregnancy blood test on 12/26. Feeling good!

Embryos in!

Everything went really well. Well, it hurt a lot and I was squeezing the life from Dan's hand. They had me take a Valium so I wasn't nervous. In fact, I'm feeling alright, aha!
We implanted two (pictured here) and the Docs said they look awesome and strong. We find out tomorrow how many we can freeze. These two weeks have been a whirlwind and the next two we will be on pins and needles. Thank you for all the love and prayers. They have meant more to us than you could ever know!

Waiting room

Siting here waiting for the doctor to bring me in. I don't know anything yet. They gave me a Valium and I thank The Lord for that. My tummy has major butterflies. I wish there were Valium brownies or Valium burgers. We would all be such peaceful people. Ha. Will write more later!

Tomorrow, I hope I love ya

Dan and I are headed to Augusta tomorrow for our embryo transfer at 10am. Please be thinking of us and maybe do a fertility incantation or dance at that time. I'm so nervous and scared because we've put so much effort into this emotionally and financially. I hope this is our shining conclusion to this journey. I think back to all the times I've cried and felt despair over what the doctors have told us and how terrified I was to go to the bathroom for fear of another failure and I can't help thinking that it has all led to this. I will post again if I hear from the doctor....otherwise, love to all of you and thank you for your love and support!

The sensational six

I just spoke to the Doctor and it appears that all six embryos are still growing (cleaving)!  He said 3 are doing a lot better than the others so he's confident that we will have at least 2 very healthy embryos to transfer on Friday.  So if I can just learn to relax and let nature work its magic......

No official post today......just this motivational video inspired by my boss, Scott Brown.  I find out tomorrow morning if we go to Augusta that day or Friday.  PRAY the blastocysts are growing!!!!!!

update!

I just spoke to Dr Massey and we have 6 fertilized eggs!  Double what it was last time.  He says if more than 4 make it to Wednesday, we will do the transfer on Friday…but if there’s less than 4, we will have to go there on Wednesday.  CROSS YOUR FINGERS THAT THEY ALL STAY HEALTHY AND GROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dan and I are back from Augusta and have completed part one of the trip.  We got there late Saturday night to prepare for the 7am procedure on Sunday.  They had me take a Valium an hour before the retrieval so I was feeling good by the time I got to the clinic.  We were greeted by the embryologist, Carla.  The staff consisted of the Anesthesiologist Practictioner, Dr Servy, Carla and Joan, the nurse.  Once I was in the gown, it all happened pretty quickly.  The gave me something to knock me out, and about 20 minutes later, Dr Servy was there to tell me they got 11 eggs.  He said anything over 10 at my age is excellent.  So I guess I feel OK about it?....
After that, I was able to get dressed and loaded in to my car where Dan had made a bed for me in the back.  They gave me some Tylenol with codeine so I was feeling nothing.  I slept the whole ride home.  So now we wait for the embryologist to get back to us on how many eggs fertilized with Dan's sperm.  Once we know how many, they take a few days to let the embryos grow, and decide whether to put them in my uterus on Wednesday or Friday of this week.  I'm in a little bit of pain.....feels like I have a urinary tract infection....but the Dr says it's normal.  Keep the prayers going.....I'm a nervous wreck!  Love to all.

Augusta Bound!

Since I started the meds, I've been going to the doctor every other day for ultrasounds.  During the ultrasounds, they look at your ovaries and uterus and measure the size of your follicles.  So far, Dr Massey says my follicles measure really well, which means I should produce healthy eggs.  At my age, I don't produce as many eggs as they'd like, but the good news is that mine look healthy and strong :)
I've been injecting myself in the morning with Lupron which overstimulates the body's production of hormones (sweet!) and then at night, I inject the Gonal F (the follicle stimulating hormone) and Menopur (stimulates follicle and egg production).  I'm also taking vitamins, estrogen supplements, a steroid and baby aspirin.  Sheesh.  I actually feel alot better than I did when I was treated in the Czech Republic, possibly because I'm sleeping in my own bed and around familiar surroundings.
Dr Massey initially told us that we would be able to do the egg retrieval this Saturday, but then changed it to Sunday.  At some point, I inject myself with Ovidrel, which causes the eggs to release from the follicles and that's when they do the retrieval.  I have another appointment Friday to determine exactly when we will do this.  Nothing is set in stone as we have to react based upon what my body is doing.  Once it does, then Dan and I head to the Medical College of GA in Augusta where Dr Servy  is located.  It's a 2 1/2 hour drive from Atlanta.  Be thinking of us this weekend.  It's going to be a bumpy ride....one I pray is fruitful!

Day 8

Rough week.  Every day brought several headaches and some turned into migraines.  Then, I got a flu bug on Friday morning and spent the entire day getting sick.  I went to the clinic Friday morning for my second ultrasound and everything still looks great.  Doctor says my body is doing what it needs to be doing to prepare for ovulation.  Of course, 7 days on these meds make a person look pregnant, with all the bloating and uncomfortableness.  I won't complain though...it's all for a great cause!
In the midst of being sick on Friday, I did manage to uphold a commitment I made to the Salvation Army and volunteered at their Can-A-Thon for a few hours.  It was a lot of manual labor so I did have to leave early in fear I would get sick on front of everyone.  I feel it is important for myself to give back.  I'm lucky that I'm able to receive such blessings, and now is the most important time to help out.
I go back to the doctor again Monday morning.  I have no idea what the next few days will bring....but keep the positive vibes going.  I'll keep you posted!