I had lunch last week with a friend that I had not seen in a long time and she asked me why I haven't been blogging. I told her that my posts were too depressing and I thought it was self indulgent and that I was bumming others out. But she reminded me why I started it in the first place.....to help others understand our plight and to hopefully educate people on the ups and downs of male/female infertility. So I'm back (at least for now). As Dan and I enter another childless holiday season...we are filled with mixed emotions. On one hand, Christmas for me is such a magical time. It has always been my favorite time of year and I always jump in to it wholeheartedly. From putting up decorations to throwing my annual ornament party...I love it so much. On the other hand, we watch as others post photos of their children with Santa, prep them for pageants and school events and parties, assemble their yearly Christmas photo card and scurry all over town trying to find them the perfect toy. This ache in my heart stays with me for weeks. We won't be complaining about how to get all the shopping done or how to make all these holiday parties and children shows.....other than the barks of our precious pets, the house remains relatively quiet. I don't write this to make you feel sorry for us, I write it because I want you to take a moment over these next few weeks and appreciate every moment. Embrace the chaos. Because I can guarantee that there are several couples out there that would LOVE for those chores, engagements and credit card charges to be theirs. Take the time to sit around the fire with hot cocoa and hug your babies....they grow so fast and need their holidays to be made magical. And pray for Dan and me. We are trying hard not to focus on the baby quest. For the moment, we are taking time to just focus on ourselves and our health. My instinct is to dive right back in to figure out what to do next (and I admit I have done some serious research already) but I too need to take the time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy these moments with nieces, nephews, friends and family. Much love for a wonderful holiday season! xoxo

I don't have much to say right now. Our latest donor egg cycle (the second) did not result in pregnancy. I can't begin to describe how I feel. I am exhausted. I constantly have a lump in my throat. But I'm not going there...it is not why I logged in. Some people have asked what is going on. I'm laying out everything we've been through the last five years; Brno- transferred 2 fresh embryos (3 embryos total & 1 arrested....3 day transfer) Servy Massey- Transferred 2 fresh & 2 frozen (6 embryos total & 2 arrested 5 day transfer) ACRM- transferred 3 embryos (6 embryos total & 3 arrested 5 day transfer) ACRM- transferred 2 using donor eggs (8 embryos total & 6 arrested 3 day transfer) ACRM- transferred 2 using donor eggs (4 embryos total & 2 arrested 3 day transfer) RBA- 3 IUIS using donor sperm That's thousands and thousands of dollars. Nothing to show for it. Not sure what we'll do now but pray for us and that some kind of opportunity or miracle will happen or present itself to us.

I spent the day with my perfect nephew/godson Will.  I spoiled him rotten.  We were in the car and he says "Aunt Carrie, I was dreaming about our day together.  And I don't miss mom and dad because I have you with me".  It took everything I have in me to keep from bursting in to tears.  What an amazing soul he is. I love him more than words.  So pure and so true.  I haven't stopped crying since I got home. I want my own so badly.  What is the world doing to me???

Not much new to report other than we submitted an application for a grant from the Blessings of Grace Foundation.  They are a wonderful nonprofit that provides funds for couples struggling with infertility.  We face a difficult road ahead in terms of raising the money needed to try again.  Keep us in your thoughts and pray our application is considered!

Dan and I met with Dr. Hasty yesterday at ACRM. She said that the donor eggs were most likely the culprit. A normal young girl can have eggs that look good, but just don't freeze and/or unfreeze well. Just our bad luck. Ridiculous. Life's a bitch. She strongly feels we should try donor cycle one more time with a proven donor and they've already sent me a new profile. She gave me the name of a non profit that gives scholarship money to couples in need for treatment. She also said she'd give me a little break on the cost. We have depleted all our savings, credit cards and 401k's so we have no choice but to beg for donations. That's how badly we want to be parents.

This has been a rough week. I haven't wanted to go to work or do much of anything. I emailed back and forth with some really great people who've been through similar experiences and we agree it's not a club we want to be a part of. But we all keep going.....move forward. I just watched the movie "Gravity" and heard a quote in it that speaks to me. George Clooney's character is appearing in a dream to Sandra Bullock as she fears she's dying;

Matt Kowalski: I get it. It's nice up here. You can just shut down all the systems, turn out all the lights, and just close your eyes and tune out everyone. There's nobody up here that can hurt you. It's safe. I mean, what's the point of going on? What's the point of living? Your kid died. Doesn't get any rougher than that. But still, it's a matter of what you do now. If you decide to go, then you gotta just get on with it. Sit back, enjoy the ride. You gotta plant both your feet on the ground and start livin' life. Hey, Ryan? It's time to go home.

At times I've felt hopeless and life is too rough.....but there's no point in laying down and waiting to die. We have to keep living life. We have to figure out what it takes to make life happy. We will persevere. I have no clue what our plan is, but we will try to enjoy the ride as much as possible. And with everyone's help, we will do it with laughter and gratitude.

Holidays

I hate this post because I already know I completely sound like "woe is me".  But holidays suck.  Yes, it's awesome having time off work to relax and sleep in.  But it's not fun figuring what to do on days that traditionally  revolve around family fun.  When I was little, my family went to our neighborhood pool for a July 4th bike parade, where we decorated our bikes with streamers and rode around the streets as our parents followed.  After the parade was a day filled with swimming, pool games and contests.  It was amazing.  I always wanted to raise my kids in a neighborhood like mine where all the families knew one another and had such a strong sense of community.  But that hasn't happened.  Dan and I don't know where we belong.  It's not right.  

So what do we do?  We make the best with where we are today I guess.  And keep hoping that the next holiday will bring something better.

We have an appointment with Dr Hasty on July 23.  The practice will be discussing our case this week and try to determine why the embryos didn't attach and why their quality was not perfect with 21 year old eggs.  Dan and I are beyond frustrated.  We trust everything the doctors tell us so when things don't go the way they say, we wonder if anyone knows what the hell they are doing.  I hope we get answers.  And I hope we don't have to stop trying. I'm not ready.  

Another round unsuccessful.  No explanation yet.  We are heartbroken.  Not giving up though.  Just need money and opportunity.

No news yet but I had my blood drawn this morning and I'm waiting for official word. Unofficially, I did 3 home tests and they were all negative. I'm feeling hopeless about everything. I will update the blog if by some miracle I am pregnant, but it's not looking good and I won't be able to type anything if it's bad. Thanks for ALL the prayers and love. We are so lucky to have such amazing support and know that so many people are rooting for us. In the meantime, I'm sharing an article Dan and I did with Money Magazine. It hits the newsstands officially on Friday...but they gave us a preview. Thanks again for following our story. We love you all so much.

Update

Nothing new to report other than the remaining embryos did not survive the freezing process. Which means we are ALL in this time.  I talked to the doctor and only 20-25% of embryos survive in frozen egg donor cycles. So I will try to remain positive and pray that the next week will go by quickly.  I have a blood test on July 1 and will know the results that day.  Keeping the faith!

Embryo transfer day'

Procedure went really well.  The doctor and embryologist commented during the process about how well they nestled in the right place in my uterus.  So now we just wait.  I'm exhausted so I'm home drifting in and out of sleep.
So Monday we had 8 embryos, we put 2 in and may or may not have 2 to freeze.  Four did not survive the week.  The embryologist said that's very typical when using frozen eggs.  Obviously I'm disappointed because we may not have anything to freeze BUT I feel optimistic about this and so do the doctors.

I will update as things unfold. Thank you for all the love and support!

Catching Up

Without going in to all the details of how we got to the place we are now......I thought I'd share what's going on lately.  Dan and I decided to pursue parenthood using an egg donor.  This gives us a higher chance of success and since we are so low on money, morale, sanity, etc......we decided to go for it.  Right now I'm preparing my body for the embryo transfer next week.  Please keep us in your thoughts (if anyone is reading this!).  I will keep you posted.

Obviously I haven't written in a while.  Blogging was no longer therapeutic for me and it seemed it was all doom and gloom.  That being said, the last post was so sad and I want people to know I'm in a good place.  Dan and I are pursuing alternate methods to conceive.....and if we succeed, I may be back if writing becomes a positive thing for me again.  But in the meantime know this......as much as the sadness, the overwhelming anxiety, stress and negativity we've experienced these last five years....there has been greater beauty, friendship and love shown to us.  You could look at our situation and think us unlucky, but we know we are LUCKY to have people like you that love us and care about our journey.  The greatest lesson I've learned is to never question "Why Me?" and instead, ask yourself "What"?  What do I need to do to fix this, to turn it around into something good?  To get the ending I deserve?   I hope you all know that if you EVER need a shoulder to cry on, or to laugh so hard, you'll pee your pants.....please reach out to Dan and me!