Gloomy days

I just want to say thanks for the messages and emails. They mean so much to me. I'm sorry if I don't call you back right away. Honestly, I can't even think about this without either getting sooo upset and MAD. I have been doom and gloom all week. My only lifeline is Facebook. It makes me envious to see how so many people are traveling to fun places and doing fun things and angry that this process has put our lives on hold for almost four years now. We are never going to give up but that also means we remain captive by the situation. Ugh, I hate myself for being full of self pity....it's just one of those days. My period started and has hit me like a ton of bricks. Sooo much pain and a constant reminder of our situation. Bah. I'll go now. Sorry for the sadness!

I woke up this morning feeling so sad. I am waiting for the clinic to call me to say it was a mistake or something. I guess it's a self defense mechanism to keep from feeling utter despair. It feels like a death almost.....because you have so many dreams wrapped up in the process. What will our baby look like? What names do we like? When would the baby be due?And now we have to let that go because it's not meant to be. Who knows where we go from here - that is something we discuss with the doctor. We are definitely out of money and have maxed out our credit and 401k's. This is why it stings even more. We robbed Peter to pay Paul to make this happen.
I was asked if I regret sharing this part of our journey again when it ends so sadly. My answer is still no regrets. All of you have been amazing and supportive and encouraging beyond words. This process can be so lonely and make you feel like a leper and I have never felt that at all. I have always had great friends that want the best for me as I do for them. So thank you. I don't know when I will post again. There's not much else I can say right now without sounding sad and pitiful! So I'm off for now. Love to all! Xoxo

It didn't work. I don't feel like writing now. We are obviously so upset. I will write later when I've calmed down. Thank you so much for your love and prayers.

Merry Christmas

On the eve of my doctor appointment, I want to share the most wonderful letter from my goddaughter Miller Olson. There is nothing more precious to me in the world than a child. I hope you all had a merry christmas. Love to you all!

Two week wait

This is by far the hardest part of the process. A total mind fu?k. You are on all this progesterone and estrogen that make you so emotional, not to mention their effects mimic pregnancy symptoms. I am tired, my boobs hurt, back hurts, etc. So with the waiting, you are so tempted to do a home pregnancy test. Its been 7 days since my transfer, and about 7 days until my period, so naturally I'm tempted. I read up on it and find this;

"As tempting as it is, fertility patients are advised not to use home pregnancy tests. Home pregnancy tests can render false results for fertility patients, either negative or positive. A false positive can result because hCG is given to “trigger” ovulation and may remain in the blood and a home pregnancy test cannot determine the difference between the two. A false negative might occur because a low level of hCG may be undetectable in a urine test despite a pregnancy starting."

So I decide not to do one. Until I decide to do one. At 6am today because the world is supposed to end and I wanted to see if I was. And I get a negative result. What does this do? Puts me in a horrible state of mind. I throw out the rest of the tests in the box. I'm pissed. I'm scared. I wish I could kick my own ass. I can't go back to sleep. Uggggghhhhh!!!!! I need some reassurance. Maybe I will call the nurse. I wish I could sleep until I know it's safe to test with accuracy. Pray for us!!

Update

Two embryos made it to freezing. It's great to know we have a back up plan and/or option for siblings. I go to doctor for pregnancy blood test on 12/26. Feeling good!

Embryos in!

Everything went really well. Well, it hurt a lot and I was squeezing the life from Dan's hand. They had me take a Valium so I wasn't nervous. In fact, I'm feeling alright, aha!
We implanted two (pictured here) and the Docs said they look awesome and strong. We find out tomorrow how many we can freeze. These two weeks have been a whirlwind and the next two we will be on pins and needles. Thank you for all the love and prayers. They have meant more to us than you could ever know!

Waiting room

Siting here waiting for the doctor to bring me in. I don't know anything yet. They gave me a Valium and I thank The Lord for that. My tummy has major butterflies. I wish there were Valium brownies or Valium burgers. We would all be such peaceful people. Ha. Will write more later!

Tomorrow, I hope I love ya

Dan and I are headed to Augusta tomorrow for our embryo transfer at 10am. Please be thinking of us and maybe do a fertility incantation or dance at that time. I'm so nervous and scared because we've put so much effort into this emotionally and financially. I hope this is our shining conclusion to this journey. I think back to all the times I've cried and felt despair over what the doctors have told us and how terrified I was to go to the bathroom for fear of another failure and I can't help thinking that it has all led to this. I will post again if I hear from the doctor....otherwise, love to all of you and thank you for your love and support!

The sensational six

I just spoke to the Doctor and it appears that all six embryos are still growing (cleaving)!  He said 3 are doing a lot better than the others so he's confident that we will have at least 2 very healthy embryos to transfer on Friday.  So if I can just learn to relax and let nature work its magic......

No official post today......just this motivational video inspired by my boss, Scott Brown.  I find out tomorrow morning if we go to Augusta that day or Friday.  PRAY the blastocysts are growing!!!!!!

update!

I just spoke to Dr Massey and we have 6 fertilized eggs!  Double what it was last time.  He says if more than 4 make it to Wednesday, we will do the transfer on Friday…but if there’s less than 4, we will have to go there on Wednesday.  CROSS YOUR FINGERS THAT THEY ALL STAY HEALTHY AND GROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dan and I are back from Augusta and have completed part one of the trip.  We got there late Saturday night to prepare for the 7am procedure on Sunday.  They had me take a Valium an hour before the retrieval so I was feeling good by the time I got to the clinic.  We were greeted by the embryologist, Carla.  The staff consisted of the Anesthesiologist Practictioner, Dr Servy, Carla and Joan, the nurse.  Once I was in the gown, it all happened pretty quickly.  The gave me something to knock me out, and about 20 minutes later, Dr Servy was there to tell me they got 11 eggs.  He said anything over 10 at my age is excellent.  So I guess I feel OK about it?....
After that, I was able to get dressed and loaded in to my car where Dan had made a bed for me in the back.  They gave me some Tylenol with codeine so I was feeling nothing.  I slept the whole ride home.  So now we wait for the embryologist to get back to us on how many eggs fertilized with Dan's sperm.  Once we know how many, they take a few days to let the embryos grow, and decide whether to put them in my uterus on Wednesday or Friday of this week.  I'm in a little bit of pain.....feels like I have a urinary tract infection....but the Dr says it's normal.  Keep the prayers going.....I'm a nervous wreck!  Love to all.

Augusta Bound!

Since I started the meds, I've been going to the doctor every other day for ultrasounds.  During the ultrasounds, they look at your ovaries and uterus and measure the size of your follicles.  So far, Dr Massey says my follicles measure really well, which means I should produce healthy eggs.  At my age, I don't produce as many eggs as they'd like, but the good news is that mine look healthy and strong :)
I've been injecting myself in the morning with Lupron which overstimulates the body's production of hormones (sweet!) and then at night, I inject the Gonal F (the follicle stimulating hormone) and Menopur (stimulates follicle and egg production).  I'm also taking vitamins, estrogen supplements, a steroid and baby aspirin.  Sheesh.  I actually feel alot better than I did when I was treated in the Czech Republic, possibly because I'm sleeping in my own bed and around familiar surroundings.
Dr Massey initially told us that we would be able to do the egg retrieval this Saturday, but then changed it to Sunday.  At some point, I inject myself with Ovidrel, which causes the eggs to release from the follicles and that's when they do the retrieval.  I have another appointment Friday to determine exactly when we will do this.  Nothing is set in stone as we have to react based upon what my body is doing.  Once it does, then Dan and I head to the Medical College of GA in Augusta where Dr Servy  is located.  It's a 2 1/2 hour drive from Atlanta.  Be thinking of us this weekend.  It's going to be a bumpy ride....one I pray is fruitful!

Day 8

Rough week.  Every day brought several headaches and some turned into migraines.  Then, I got a flu bug on Friday morning and spent the entire day getting sick.  I went to the clinic Friday morning for my second ultrasound and everything still looks great.  Doctor says my body is doing what it needs to be doing to prepare for ovulation.  Of course, 7 days on these meds make a person look pregnant, with all the bloating and uncomfortableness.  I won't complain though...it's all for a great cause!
In the midst of being sick on Friday, I did manage to uphold a commitment I made to the Salvation Army and volunteered at their Can-A-Thon for a few hours.  It was a lot of manual labor so I did have to leave early in fear I would get sick on front of everyone.  I feel it is important for myself to give back.  I'm lucky that I'm able to receive such blessings, and now is the most important time to help out.
I go back to the doctor again Monday morning.  I have no idea what the next few days will bring....but keep the positive vibes going.  I'll keep you posted!

It's all happening!

It's all happening!!!

Sooo, I started my cycle on Sunday and went to the clinic the next day for an ultrasound to make sure I was ready to go!  My follicles and ovaries looked perfect....Dr. Massey said my insides look like a 32 year old's.  (hey, at least my insides can look young, because the outside?  not so much).  Anyway, so they gave me the green light to start taking the meds.  As you can see from the photo, there's A LOT to take.  I take Lupron, multivitamin and baby aspirin in the morning, and Menopur, Gonal F and a steroid at night.  The Lupron has given me the absolute WORST headaches that turn into migraines because I can't take any blood thinners.  I had to leave work the other day because I was puking.  In fact, I puked in someone's front yard.....Merry Christmas!  Other than that, I feel ok.  Just staying cautiously hopeful!  I go to the clinic again on Friday for another ultrasound to make sure the meds are doing what they should be doing and get further instructions. It's looking like a mid December procedure.....please, please cross your fingers and toes.  I can't tell you how wonderful the clinic staff is....so positive and loving towards Dan and me.  We love you all and hope you are having a happy holiday season.  I can't wait to see everyone's holiday cards with the kiddos......here's to hoping we will have one next year to send out!  xoxo

Update

We are moving forward with IVF at the Servy Massey Institute and the protocol officially starts on November 20.  At that time, they will probably do an ultrasound to make sure my uterus looks healthy and give me the fertility drugs that will have to be injected daily. I'm not looking forward to that part at all.  I'm taking something now to optimize my ovarian function and it is seriously painful when I ovulate.  Taking several pills a day is now my new normal.
So after that visit, I wait to get my period, and then on day 2 or 3, I start taking the fertility meds that will prepare my body and force me to overproduce eggs.  Sometime mid-December, Dan and I will head down to Augusta GA for the egg retrieval and transfer.  I have taken two weeks off of work so I won't be stressed and we have the week off after Christmas so it should be a super relaxing time.  I'm not getting ahead of myself or hoping too hard.  I tell people my feeling on everything is "cautiously hopeful".  As I type this, I flash back to that day when I woke up at 5am and realized I had my period and the IVF did not work.  I must not let myself go there.  At least all this is occurring during the holidays so I hope to have plenty of distractions.  Please invite me to your holiday party :)
I will post more when I know more!  xoxo

Finally some GOOD news!

Dan had his 9 month follow up with Dr Witt yesterday.  At these appointments, they take a "sample" from him and analyze it while we wait.  And lo and behold.....he finally has swimmers!  His last visit he was at 50,000 (or 11%) and now he's at 500,000 (or 27%).  Not only that, but the doctor said he shows enough there that we can do IVF without having to include the TESE....or sperm extraction procedure.  This would have cost anywhere from 5-8k extra.  So we are counting this a a huge win and moving forward with IVF at the Servy Massey Institute.  Hopefully we can get it done in November or December of this year.  Wouldn't it be the greatest gift ever for ourselves???  Thanks for all the prayers, good vibes and energy.  I can't tell you how great it felt to leave that place yesterday with a smile on my face.....a first!  And that's saying a lot considering we both have the flu :))  xoxo

Joe Massey

I've been feeling really impatient lately...sitting around waiting for the next doctor appointment that gives us the latest on Dan's recovery has been the highlight of my summer.  And now that fall is here, I see this as a chance for a new approach.  While being treated at RBA, I had heard that one of the founding doctors at that practice had been a guy named Joe Massey.  Come to find out that my family knows him as his family used to live in our neighborhood back in the 70's and early 80's.  I decided to google him and found out he started his own practice called the Servy Massey Institute.  www.ivfga.com.  Dr Massey has an office here in Atlanta and his partner, Dr Servy is based in Augusta.  They came together to offer a more affordable treatment to people that cannot afford the 15-18k price tag at clinics in Atlanta.  Dr Massey does all the preliminary testing here in Atlanta, and sends patients to Augusta for egg retrieval and egg transfers.  So I set up and appointment and Dan and I met with him last week.  His treatment protocol costs $6975 plus 2-3k for fertility drugs.  That's half the cost of RBA.  He immediately put me on DHEA which is supposed to improve egg quality and performed an SIS (injects saline into my uterus) to make sure no polyps have grown back.  The great news is that I look healthy and ready for IVF.  Of course, there are some obstacles in the way....I spoke to the clinic in the Czech Republic and they are unable to ship Dan's frozen sperm to the U.S. due to customs restrictions.  SO, that means one of two things....we either have to pay for another TESE (sperm extraction) which costs between 5-8k or we have to pray, pray, pray that Dan's counts have increased at  his next checkup on 10/15 and we can use his live sperm.  It's hard with all the ups and downs of this journey and our options change by the hour.  But this is a new GREAT option and we hope this is our chance.  Please pray for us that Dan's next visit shows such improvement that we won't have to do the TESE, because we cannot afford to do that along with paying for the IVF.  As always, we can't make it through this without the love and support of our family and friends.  Love and prayers to everyone!

What is wrong with the world??

The past couple weeks have been about us getting our finances figured out, determining what loan will work for us and then CRASH.....Dan's company fires nearly all their Atlanta employees.  So now he's out of a job.  I mean, come on?  Is this a joke?  Why are we always getting bad news???  Somebody throw us a bone!!
Dan has a follow up (his third) since the surgery 7 months ago.  Of course, we are hopeful but that hasn't exactly served us well in the past.  I will post more once we hear from the doctors.  Pray!!!!!!!!

Boo.  The loan company wanted to make us pay a $1200 SERVICE CHARGE to move forward with the loan.  Funny, you have to pay to get a loan????  Unbelievable.  Back to the drawing board.  UGH

New Hope

Gosh, it's been a frustrating couple months. I have never felt so helpless. Dan has had two follow up visits since his surgery and they still have seen no change.  His type of surgery is a slow healing one.  The doctor has him on a steroid now to reduce inflammation in hopes of healing faster.  But there's still no telling when and if we can conceive naturally.  What can we do now???
But there's still hope.....a medical financing company I applied to several months ago contacted me.  They agree to give us a 10k loan!  We haven't qualified before because my debt was still so high since we paid for our wedding ourselves.Until now, I wasn't able to even get a credit card with a decent APR.  I called RBA to get the quote on my treatment and it's going to be around 15k.  So if we can come up with 5k in 60 days, we can do IVF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Here in the good ole USA. 
Keep the prayers coming that we can make this happen.  I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time!

Yikes!

I haven't posted in a while mainly because NOTHING exciting has been happening in the last several weeks. In fact, I'm going CRAZY because I have no control over anything anymore. At least for now. Dan had his first follow up appointment with Dr. Witt, who did his surgery. Unfortunately, his counts have not changed. He still does not produce live sperm. There are so many things that fluster us about this, mainly that we don't know when he will start producing because the doctor said it could be tomorrow, could be 15 months from now. UGH. So we sit and wait. And wait. And try and wait. Pure torture. And it seems everyone around me and in Hollywood for that matter..are getting pregnant. I can't help but wonder, when will it be us??? I'll be 39 in a little over a month and it's killing me. I want no acknowledgment of the day. I want to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm not giving up. And most days, I have a positive attitude. But for now, posts will be few and far between until we finally get some positive news to write about. xoxo

Follow Up

I just finished reading the blog of the woman that founded My IVF Alternative, the place that arranged our trip and treatment to the Czech Republic. She struggled to conceive for 5 years and finally had a daughter through a surrogate. Then, while pondering the use of a surrogate for their second child, she found out the cause of her several miscarriages was due to a fibroid in her uterus. It was my doctor here in Atlanta that discovered it. So, several months later, she's expecting a baby girl in a few months. People often ask if I get upset when I hear of other people's pregnancies. For instance, one of my dear college BFFs just announced she's expecting identical twins after years and years of infertility. My answer is always the same. I'm THRILLED for these people. All pregnancies are miracles. I would never let jealousy in or begrudge someone of their happiness. It sucks that everyone has kids and it's a club that Dan and I are desperately trying to join, but I still hold the belief that our day will come. And all those people that are having babies will thrilled and cheering us on as well.
Dan's recovery is still going well. He has some pain now and then but nothing he can't handle. He goes at the end of March for a sperm analysis and to see if he has any swimmers yet. Praying!!! So we are living life as if nothing is standing in our way. I'm monitoring my ovulation cycles, taking prenatal vitamins, blah blah blah. I will post again once there is some news. In the meantime, thanks for your support.

Surgery Success

Dan is home sitting on the backyard deck smoking a cigar. And yes, he had surgery yesterday. Ugh. Men.
The doctor said the surgery went smoothly and no complications. It took about 2 hours and he seems to be doing well with very little agony! Now the fun part....we wait. The doctor said he had "live sperm" in his epidydimis so that's a positive sign that he will eventually be fully "restored". He says realistically we could conceive anywhere from 12-14 weeks! So keep the prayers going and thank you soo much for the support!!

Surgery Scheduled

Ok. So far, so good. It's Tuesday and the clinic has not called us to cancel or tell us that we owe them thousands more dollars. Dan is having surgery on Friday, January 27. Please keep him in your prayers that he is able to make it through effortlessly. And pray that the doctor is able to "fix" the problem. We really don't have a plan outside of this surgery so we really hope it works and we can conceive naturally. Of course, they say it can take up to a year for him to be "restored" but we can always hope for sooner. Thanks again for your love and support. I will post more after the surgery :)