I've connected with two women recently who are navigating their way through the infertility journey and I'm reassured that writing this blog is a good thing. It's so nice to have the support of your family and friends and have them rally around you. And sharing your story with others that know exactly how you feel is so comforting. Within the infertility community, there's a shared shorthand of terms that we throw around; TTC (trying to conceive), BFP/BFN (big fat positive and negative), BBT (basal body temp) and the list goes on and on. There's an overwhelming amount of information out there and you don't know where you fit it and everyone's journey is different. I just want everyone to know that I'm here to answer questions, vent, etc. even if it's to help you support another person going through this. Because of my blog, an old friend reached out to tell me about a place where I could find really inexpensive medications! So far, I have almost everything I need so I can resume treatment in June. I have to wait until my period starts and once it does, we kick it all into high gear. In the meantime, I'm nearing my 40th birthday and I'm not excited about it at all. All the doctors do is make you paranoid about age and throw out scary statistics so being 40 puts you in a new bracket. I just feel like I'm getting too old and I'm terrified that we will end up childless. I never knew that waiting for Mr Right would come back and bite me in the ass because it caused the baby journey to start later compared to most. But it is what it is and I'm doing my best. I will keep you posted once the protocol starts. Thanks for your prayers and sharing my story with your loved ones. The more we know about infertility and how common it is, the less stigma there will be for women going through it. Love to all.

sad sad and more sad

"Thank you, Carrie. I cannot tell how you much you helped us through this--your writing, suggested blogs on FB, phone convo... Please know I am here for you. I am there for venting (*** to celebrate***). Whatever you need. Xo. We are behind and beside you both!"

I got this email from a friend who recently ended her fertility journey. I can't tell you how sad it makes me that for whatever reason, amazing people have to give up on their dreams. Whether it's financial, physical, emotional.....it's just so heartbreaking. I've encountered so many inspiring people along my journey. Women who have endured multiple miscarriages, poking and prodding, chemical pregnancies and much, much more......and they still have the courage to get up every day and put on a smile. I'm also blown away by the support and love of our friends that email me on Facebook, text messages and overall encouragement. I tell myself every day that there's a blessing somehow in all this. I have never felt so loved....it's like every day is your wedding day because people are constantly lifting you up with love and support and showing how much they care about Dan and me. My hope is that everyone knows how eternally grateful I am. I only hope that I'm the same kind of friend to you all as you are to me. I do try every day to show my love and support for the people I care about. Ok, I have to stop because I'm typing at work and crying at my desk. My coworkers know I'm mental but still...... Here's where I am; calling, researching and trolling the internet for cheap meds. I've gotten a lot of insider information on how to obtain less expensive medications....it's all about the right timing and filling out tons of forms. Nothing has materialized yet, but I'm hopeful. So, if you are ever feeling anxious, sad, happy, alone, WHATEVER, I'm always here for support! XOXO

It's 2am and I'm laying here awake feeling nauseous and battling a severe headache. I cried myself to sleep around 9pm after taking a Valium. Now I'm awake with a hangover. My body is so sensitive to any kind of drug.....I can't take anything without feeling sick. So now I'm sandwiched in bed by Minnie and Mylo and Dan is snoring away in the guest room. Go figure... Earlier today I got a phone call from the pharmacy saying that they couldn't ship my two stimulating meds, the most important ones for the cycle, because Aetna denied my claim. Up until now, I was told everything was covered including all prescription meds. I even had proof of this in writing. So after several phone calls and a lot of yelling, arguing and waiting on hold, I was defeated. In order to get the meds needed for this round of IVF, I need to cough up $3,500. You'd think I be used to the anger and disappointment (Dan certainly is and it doesn't seem to faze him at all anymore). Dan knows me and relies a lot on me to fix things and find a new way out of each mess we encounter. I don't blame him or get mad that this is the case.....it's just how we are wired. I'm a problem solver and he's the support system. So here we go again.....we have to figure out a way to find Menopur and Bravelle. We have to look for people that have meds left over from their cycle, or find a scholarship program; something my brain can't come up with right now. This is so exhausting and miserable. I never knew this would be so hard. The IVF itself is a breeze.....So many people talk about enduring 5,6 and 7 cycles......but they never talk about what happens during those cycles....all the back and forth with insurance and doctors and nurses and care coordinators, the paperwork and authorizations and copays! It's INSANE. I really feel I'm losing my mind. I have to stop typing now. My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. I have to stop obsessing and try to sleep. I'll keep you posted on what's next.

Had another setback today.  Insurance won't cover the three most expensive stimulating medications, Ovidrel, Menopur and Bravelle.  We have to pay $3500 out of pocket to cover those meds. We don't have that. We don't have half or even a quarter of that.  Absolutely heartbroken.  Don't know what to do. Dammit.

Sometimes I feel like a knob for writing this blog.....I'm always self conscious that people will read this as I'm feeling sorry for myself, or asking for pity. Let me be clear, it's NOT my intention. The reason I write this is due to the number of people that ask how I'm doing and it gives me a way to keep you all informed so I'm not always repeating myself. That being said, it's hard not to share my sadness and frustration as I write, so if it makes you feel sad for us, than so be it. Moving on.....I got my IVF protocol from the Doctor last week. I start Leupron on May 9th followed by all the other injectables on May 20. All this puts my retrieval and transfer dates right around my birthday. Lovely, right? I don't have much more to say at this point. I can't explain how nervous and scared I am this time around. This is really our last shot. We have NO money left and our options for future treatments are in the 20k + range. Very depressing. I will focus on being positive and staying in the moment. Thanks for your prayers and thank you for being loving, caring and understanding dear friends. xoxo

Cycle Day One

So it's officially Day One of my cycle which means the IVF will be in full swing soon. I called my doctor this morning to report in and waiting to hear back. They are going to do a "trial transfer" and start me on meds soon. GOD PLEASE LET THIS BE IT! This is our last chance to have a biological child of both of us. And the last chance for a while to try anything else. I'm terrified. Seriously terrified and I must begin to live in the moment and not think ahead to the end of the cycle. I cannot control the outcome. It's all in God's hands. Pray that the new Doctor is the one that will help us achieve our dream. Pray that things are different this time. Pray that we finally get our miracle! Love to all.