Happy Holidays!

Alot of people have told me they have been checking my blog and are wondering how we are doing. It means alot that people still care :)) So here we are, in December and still no good news. Backing up a little......did my second IUI in September and it was unsuccessful. So we decided to inquire about Dan having surgery to correct what is causing his infertility. When we first called the clinic, we were told the surgery would cost $850 out of pocket and we were THRILLED. We scheduled it for the end of October. Then, the week of the surgery, the clinic called to say they made an error and the surgery would cost $6,000! CANCELLED!
I called the clinic to let them have it. They can't play with people's emotions like that. During that call, I learned my insurance would cover the procedure up to 80% after my deductible. Since Dan wasn't on my plan, we would have to wait until January to schedule it. SO, he is now on my plan, and I will be calling the clinic the first chance I get in January to get it scheduled. It's so hard to get excited about ANYTHING because in the past, we've been let down and it's not easy picking yourself back up and coming up with a new plan.
In the meantime, I did ONE MORE IUI right after Thanksgiving and am waiting to test. I'm not hopeful at all. I know that sounds bad, but I just have a feeling......
Here's to hoping 2012 will be or year!! Much love to all and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Operation Dan

Ok, so the last IUI didn't work. Hates it. On to the next plan. I put together our list of options: adopt, another round of IUI, start saving for IVF, quit OR Dan gets surgery to correct the blockage that causes the infertility. After some thought....and sage advice from my friend Rachel...we decided to look into surgery. After all, it can do nothing but help...we open up the possibility of conceiving naturally! But they say it takes up to a year to completely restore sperm production...and we don't have the luxury of time because we are old, blah, blah, blah....So good and bad. I asked Dan to call the clinic to get a quote for the surgery. Last time we checked it was $7,000 out of pocket. So Dan calls and finds out it will cost $650 out of pocket. WHAT? WHY? HOW? Don't ask questions....we don't know. Dan changed his health insurance plan this year so we think they cover it now?! It's the first piece of good news we have ever received throughout this process. I'm still waiting for them to tell us they misquoted. But I'm putting that in the back of my mind for now. So Dan is scheduled to go under the knife on October 21. Please pray for him and the Doctor performing the surgery. The procedure is called a vasoepididymostomy. Google it. Sounds delicious, doesn't it??? Stay tuned....

What's going on? Well....nothing.

What a long, brutal summer it was. I spent most of it popping fertility drugs and laying around bloated and irritable. And now it's September? 2011 is fading away. And good riddance! It's sad how I'm wishing away time....precious time that I know I will regret being so sad, mad and indifferent. Dan and I have come to the realization that our lives are being held captive by this "quest". We don't go out because we need to save money. We don't shop because we have to save money. We have a hard time finding our place in the world because practically everyone we know and hang out with have kids, and their lives revolve around their kids, their activities, vacations, etc. And we want this so badly for ourselves.
Ugh, I sound so depressed. Serious doom and gloom. The reason? Our second IUI was unsuccessful. I did everything right this time. I had acupuncture four times, I ate organic and healthy foods, got plenty of rest, took time off work to avoid stress and overall tried hard to be "zen". And it didn't work. I don't understand why. Dan and I joke about how we should have been fertility doctors because you can charge people thousands and thousands of dollars and you don't have to be right and/or fulfill your job.
I'm depressed because I don't know what we are going to do. We are so depleted, emotionally and mostly financially. We have used all our resources to have money for this. And it's all flushed down the toilet. It SUCKS. But we will persevere. Just have to brainstorm ways to make money...and fast! Vegas anyone?

Third time a charm?

I went to my gyno for a sonohysterogram last week. If you haven't had the pleasure of having one, let me tell you....it's painful, uncomfortable and annoying. Basically, they use the lovely speculum and insert a catheter into your uterus. Then shoot saline through the catheter and watch on the ultrasound monitor as the water spreads throughout your uterus. It's like reverse peeing. Ridiculous. Anywho, mine went really well. The doctor says my uterus is perfect. They think the shadow on the ultrasound was probably just endometrial tissue. So I headed back to the fertility clinic, RBA with the results. The doctor's plan for me now is to increase my clomid dosage, put me on Estrace (estrogen) and progesterone. I took progesterone when I did IVF...boy, it makes you NUTS. So add higher Clomid and estrogen to the mix and I will be a raving psycho. I'm also going to try acupuncture this time. I really, really feel like my stress level and depression is affecting me in an adverse way. I need to take better care of myself and stop focusing on the negative. It's amazing how rejuvenated I can feel after spending time with my girlfriends. They are amazing. So, until mid August, my focus is on my health. Cheers!

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

I'm better now. I am not feeling so dire as I was last week. I'm not going to lie, it sucks inside...but whining about it doesn't fix it. What to do now? TRY AGAIN. I am headed to the doctor tomorrow for a sonohysterogram. They are going to look at my uterus to make sure I don't have any scar tissue, or anything else that would affect conceiving. If everything looks ok, we will try again next month. Thanks for the prayers and love. Wouldn't have made it through the last 5 days.

It's been a while

I know I haven't posted in a while....especially since I was so good about it. The truth is that I've lost my "mojo" and haven't had the same enthusiam since before our IVF trip. The last month has been so difficult. I've kept my head up but deep down, I've felt so unhappy and realizing that time moves on and now I'm another year older.
After some thought, Dan and I decided to move forward with IUI. We went back to RBA, the original clinic that diagnosed us and set the process in motion. I took clomid, used the fertility monitor, waited until we got the "smiley" face and went in to be inseminated. I waited almost two weeks. This past Wednesday night, I told Dan I had a bad feeling. I just knew something wasn't right. I went into work yesterday and still felt weird. There are 4 girls in my office that are pregnant right now. Everyone is joking about how there's something in the water. And yesterday, another girl was making her rounds in the office announcing her pregnancy. I started to feel sad so I went to the bathroom to pull myself together. And sure enough, I realized I had started my period. Nice, huh? I packed my things and went home. I've been crying for the past 36 hours. We failed again. I will take some time to be sad and angry...but I will pick myself up again. We will try again. the journey continues.....

Doctor follow up this morning. I've healed well and everything looks great. BUT, (god I hate but's) polyps are like weeds....you can cut them out, but most likely they will grow back. So, he tells me, if we are going to pursue IVF, or any other assisted reproduction, we need to move forward...like NOW. He says as early as 6 months from now I could have another one growing. Or I could not. They don't know. And he also tells me how my eggs are 37 and I've got about 2 more years before they worry about egg production. Thanks, we didn't know that!$*(#&*&* Hey says if we are doing anything at the fertility clinic, make an appointment, basically for yesterday because they don't want anything interfering with the new treatment we pursue. New treatment? Ummm, we don't know what we are doing. We don't have 15k....so he hands me this brochure (pictured) and I guess these clinics are so popular now, they offer seminars so you and other couples can sit there and learn about IVF. And really? Whose decision to add the babies on to the brochure? Nice touch! I don't see babies or pregnant women EVERY WHERE I go!! And I know all about IVF, the procedure, the process, the pain and sadly the COST. I don't need to sit in another seminar.

Dan and I have decided to seek counseling to help us deal with all this. It takes me little (and Dan a lot) to admit you need help navigating through the pain and anger. The counselor is very nice and helping us work out our sorrow and create a plan on how to come together as a team and work toward new possibilities. Personally, I'm doing and feeling better. I have my moments....like the time I visited my friend in the antepartum wing at Piedmont Hospital and as they wheeled in a new mom holding her baby, I broke down completely. I'll be ok. To anyone who says "what's the hurry"? Um, I'm turning 38 on Friday!!! I am going to figure out what to do come hell or high water!

Polyp Out Puke In

Yesterday sucked on soo many levels. The surgery was an all day affair. Dan took me at noon where they got me dressed and prepped for the surgery. Then we laid around and watched TV until they came for me around 2pm. I remember being in the operating room with the oxygen mask on. I kept thinking, I wish this was a c-section and they were taking a baby out of me instead of this lame polyp. I woke up around 5pm in the recovery room and felt so tired and nauseous. This monitor kept going off next to me and the nurses kept coming over to tell me to breathe. I knew I was having trouble with reentry! The poor guy next to me was puking in his little u shaped plastic dish. It got me started with my puking. Around 5:30pm, they wheeled me into another room where Dan was waiting. They sat me in a chair and told me to get dressed. I felt so awful, like I was going to pass out and couldn't believe they were rushing me out of there! So Dan got the car and we left. I was ready to puke the whole way home. I was dumping out all the plastic bags so I could puke into them. Dan stopped at Kroger and I got out to puke in the parking lot. Tons of people were walking by. I felt so gross and helpless. I came home and went right to bed. I woke up feeling bad again and have been puking all day. the doctor said this is to be expected because I have a sensitive stomach, but if it persists, I may have to go back and see him. I really, really hope this misery is lifting. I want this to be a start of the path to healing. But right now, it's more of the same. Yucky feelings and sickness. I have a follow up with my doctor in two weeks. Then we can discuss how to move forward with our quest for baby Z. I'm hanging in there. Love to all~

Dan and I met Dr Toledo at Reproductive Biology Associates last week and as expected, we are totally back at square one. The most frustrating part of the visit was the doctor telling us they had just completed a free IVF clinical trial that took place while we were in Czech. And they have no plans any time soon to do another one. Nor do they know of any more in the Atlanta area. So we met again with the business office and she handed me another cost estimate one sheet for treatment at their clinic.....this time, $15,400 and we were sent off on our way. And we are stuck again. Not sure what to do. Keep researching for clinical trials, alternate treatments, surgery for Dan.....and so on....feels very familiar! But I remain hopeful...we were creative enough to find the clinic in the Czech...we will be creative to find something else. We are planning to call the Czech clinic this week, possibly after my surgery but the doctors here told us not to expect anything from them....financially or anything else.

My surgery is this Wednesday. I will post once I get through it. Much love to all.

Doctor visits and more money = low morale

Do you remember the first time you saw this? I remember thinking " put what, where? Scoot down more??" I can't tell you how sick I am of undressing from the waist down and having doctors tell me things that I don't want to hear. I would give anything to walk out of one of these offices with GOOD news. It really sucks because on the way out of his office is a wall of bulletin boards filled with baby announcements and photos. Heck, my refridgerator is covered with them. Obviously my morale is really low today.

I went to Northside Hospital (ironically the hospital I was born in) for my pre-op and talked to my doctor and the nurses about what to expect for my surgery next week. I am undergoing what is called a Hysteroscopic Myomectomy. The doctor will go into my uterus and "grab" the polyp and cauterize around it to make sure there's no growth around it and overall make sure everything else stays healthy. It's a common procedure and fairly routine so I'm not really nervous. More annoyed by the fact that I just forked over $400 (actually I charged it) for this. The money we have spent so far is astounding. And we are still so far away from our goal and coming up with a new plan of attack!

Dan and I are meeting with Dr Toledo at Reproductive Biology Associates tomorrow at 8am. I have not met Dr Toledo, the doctor I previously saw, Hilton Kort, passed away last Friday at the age of 64. I seriously cannot make up the complications and sadness that continues to unfold in our story. He was a wonderful man who founded the practice and served on the team that created the very first "test tube" baby. He will be missed by so many and gave so much to the world. So, so sad. I will post more once we talk to the new doctor. Take care!

"The After Math"

What Now?

I haven't fallen off the Earth. Although, this has shaken me to the core....much more than I thought it would. I have so much praise for the women and men that go through this more than once and continually fail. They are bad ass warriors. That's all I have to say about that. I definitely haven't gone 12 hours without crying but I am back at work and seem to be functioning as a normal human being!! Dan and I are still having a hard time and trying to figure out what happens next. We have an appointment at the fertility clinic on May 12 to basically throw ourselves at their feet and beg them to let us be part of a study or try to get them to discount the procedure. I'm bringing my secret weapons too (my sisters). There always seems to be a question I forget to ask!! The reason I'm writing now is due to the fact that we more or less found out why our IVF failed. To back up a little, I've been having intense pain for the last 3 days and wanted to see the doctor (OB/Gyn) just to make sure this was normal as my body is re adjusting and these hormones are just leaving my body. He did an ultrasound and showed me an enlarged sac near my ovaries which explains the pain. He says that it is "deflating" and my pain should go away in about 12 hours. He says I'm ovulating and that's a good thing. Then, I mentioned to him about my ultrasound in Czech done prior to my egg retrieval/transfer and that the tech thought she saw a polyp near my endometrium. The Brno clinic measured it and told us it was probably a fluke and that we could move forward. So he started looking there and confirmed I do indeed have a polyp the size of a raisin. He used some saline to show me how it's blocking a small part of my uterus. Meaning, if the embryos were put inside my uterus, and they "hit" the polyp, they would not implant...they would bounce off and slide right off and away from my uterus. The doctor cannot/will not say with 100% certainty that this caused our failure but he looked me in the eye and said that's was probably the cause. So, I am going to have surgery in 2 weeks (during my period) to have the polyp removed. Not sure of the date yet because they have to run this by my insurance carrier. He said if I had IVF at a clinic here, he would be suggesting I call the clinic to see if they would try again and heavily discount my procedure. Especially if the tech caught the polyp and they still moved forward with the transfer without monitoring it a bit more. He suggested I contact the clinic in Brno to see what they say to all this. I don't know whether to cry, laugh, be pissed....I guess all of the above. But at least now we are pretty sure why it failed. If you are a good writer, I need all the help I can get to address this with the Brno clinic.
So the roller coaster continues.....Dan and I feel like we've been in the path of a hurricane and are sooo ready for the sun to shine and for some GOOD news. Keep us in your thoughts. Love to all!