Procedure was done yesterday.  It was awful and now Dan and I are focused on healing mentally and physically.  I won't be posting for a while.  Thank you so much for keeping up with us and letting me share our story.   Happy Thanksgiving to all and love you all so much!

Sadness

Went back for an ultrasound today and confirmed no heartbeat.  Doctor says just from looking at it, there appears to have been a chromosomal abnormality.  I have a D&C (dilation and curettage) scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I chose to do this because (1) they can test the tissue to confirm abnormalities and determine whether the egg or the sperm are deficient (she's 90% it's my eggs) and (2) I won't bleed and/or have a physical reminder of the miscarriage. Obviously this is the most difficult thing we've been through this far in our journey.....and also the farthest we've come.  Once we have the lab results back from the tissue observation, we will make a decision on what to do next.  Giving up is not an option.  It's been almost five years of trying and as sad and pissed off as we are.....all that rage and tears are channeled into trying harder.
Thank you for all the wonderful emails, text messages, flowers, food, etc.  I know I would not be functional if it weren't for family and friends.  This process has tried to take my sanity (thankful for zoloft) , my health (high bp) , my looks (weight gain and countless gray hairs and wrinkles) and yet it will be all worth it when we finally get our baby.  Love to all and HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Fourth heartbreak

A lot of people say to me, "I don't know what you're going through but I'm here for you".  So I'm going to do my best to explain what it feels like.  Imagine planning your wedding with your fiancé that you love very much.  You've picked out the flowers, the menu, etc and you have nightly dreams about what the wedding will be like.  Your friends and family are so excited for you and ask you for updates on everything and are sharing your joy as if it's happening to them.  Life is so blissful and you feel so surrounded by love.  Married friends:  do you remember this feeling?  Ok, now imagine suddenly your fiancé disappears.  You have no idea where he went, no idea WHY he left and you will never see your dream come in to fruition after all your planning.  Everyone around you is hugging you and crying and you feel numb.  And everyone around you has a spouse and you've been to their weddings and see how happy they are.
Now you feel a huge weight is sitting on your chest and all you want to do is scream and throw things.  That sums it up.  I don't care if people think this is overly dramatic or that I'm having a pity party.  I'm pissed.  And I'm sick of crying about this and I'm sick of seeing how much it devastates my family.
I'm thankful that I have a wonderful boss that is letting me work through this at home.  I thought work would be a good distraction but my anxiety is too awful to even get up.  I go back to the doctor on Monday for another ultrasound to confirm the baby is gone and they will do a d&c.  This is done partly so they can study tissue matter to confirm chromosomal abnormalities.  We will then discuss what to do next.  My doctor is very empathetic and hopeful that we can come up with a new plan......whether that be egg donation or adoption.....we don't know.  Please send us good vibes and love.  I can't thank you enough for your support and constant faith in our quest.

I went in for an ultrasound this morning and the heartbeat has slowed and there's little hope.  We are devastated and trying to process all this.  I can't talk or write and can't even think about what to do now.  Please pray for us.

Update from Jamie

"The heartbeat is fine.  It is not expected to be high yet.  It was strong and very noticeable, and that is not what I heard her say.  The doctor certainly does not want anyone to have any expectations.  It was such a stressful experience.  She just calmly and quietly said what she said, and for two seconds our lives changed and then I saw the heartbeat and our lives changed again.  It was like a doctor saying, you have cancer and then saying oh just kidding.  It was not a fun experience.  I went and sat in my car and stared into space for a bit.  It stinks to have it start like this, but the reality is, once there is a heartbeat, the pregnancy is likely to take.  She did say that the growing was really great.  KEEP POSITIVE AND BELIEVE.  IT IS GOING TO BE FINE"

6.5 weeks

I just  had the most heart stopping ultrasound.  The dr went in and started to say "oh carrie, I don't like this".  Then she shifted the ultrasound wand and poof!  There was the heartbeat.  Everything looked normal except the baby's heartbeat is  strong but a little slower than she'd like.  It was 86 bpm and she wants it to be 95-120 bpm.    But I'm hopeful and thanking God for this miracle and praying harder that we progress.  Jamie was there and got to witness the painful roller coaster that is our reality.  We need prayers now more than ever.  Xoxo

5.5 Weeks

Had my first ultrasound today and it went as well as can be expected.  She saw both the amniotic and yolk sacs and they measured normal.  It's hard to read these things but in the photo above, the black circle in the middle of all that shading is the yolk sac.  No heartbeat yet...it's too early, so I go back next week for another ultrasound.  A whole week of not going to the doctor?  What shall I do????  Keep the prayers coming.  So exciting!!

Still rising

Went for another blood test today and my hormones are rising at a normal level so I'm relieved!   Next up is an ultrasound on Tuesday. I can't believe this is happening....I'm starting to get less neurotic!  Prayers must be working :).  Xoxo

Levels are still rising slowly, but the nurse told me not to worry.  I have to get blood tests every 48 hours, and it's exhausting!  My levels have tripled since my first test so  I'm trying hard to be positive and not freak out.  It's very hard for a neurotic person like me.  I go back on Friday for another blood test.  In the meantime, I do feel nauseous and tired!  Keep praying!

Had the second blood test today and my levels went up, but they weren't doubled.  Of course I'm freaked out but we are doing another test on Tuesday, which is exactly two weeks from my embryo transfer date.  PRAY that the levels increase a lot -  I never expected this part of the process to be so hard! It never ends!!!

Since we were married:
1,760 days of trying, thinking about trying, thinking about treatment, figuring out how to pull money together, crying out of frustration, crying from despair and crying for no reason
I lost my job
Dan lost his job
Built up close to 35k of debt
Crossed the pond for treatment in Europe
4 three hour trips to Augusta for treatment
Countless ultrasounds, surgeries, poking, prodding and blood drawn so many times I look like a heroin addict
Acupuncture
Chiropractic visits
Diet plans
Eliminating toxins
Going gluten free
Juicing fasts
Psychic visits
Hypnotherapy
Spiritual cleansing
Holding it all in to be happy for friends' pregnancies
Puking out of cars
Yelling at apathetic doctors
Nearly suffering a stroke
Popping painkillers, vitamins, herbs, minerals and fertility shakes
Hours of research spent on the internet
Support groups
Buying meds on the black market
Friends and family donating money
Friends and family giving us unconditional love
Two dogs to save our sanity and make us feel like parents
Thousands of pep talks
Countless holidays that remind us we are childless

But finally.....we are pregnant!!!!!!!!  It's still very early though so I'm terrified.  I have another blood test on Sunday to see if my hcg levels are rising.  If they are, they will do an ultrasound in two weeks.  Please keep praying  -  we are so thrilled but we've been through so much and fear and worry are all we know!  Thank you all for all the love, support and prayer!  We hope this journey is finally turning around!!!!

In the two week wait now.  Nothing to report other than my ass is killing me from the nightly progesterone shots.  I had to attach a photo of the needle that goes into my butt muscle every night.  I HOPE THIS WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Transferred 3 embryos this morning and things went really well. I have to rest today and tomorrow.  The other 3 didn't grow to their expectations so we hope this worked because we don't have a back up!!

Still incubating

Woke up this morning to a call from the embryologist. All six embryos are growing well!  He said five look exceptional and one is satisfactory.  They recommended that I do a five day transfer so the blastocysts can form and they can choose the best ones to transfer.  My appointment is Tuesday morning.  Until then I can keep taking the meds and relax. Thanks for all the amazing support.  Love to all.

Magic six

Six has always been my favorite number.  It was always my softball jersey number.  So it makes sense that again, we have six fertilized eggs.  They are growin in the incubator today.  Pray HARD that they all grow healthy and make it to at least day three!  I'm sitting on pins and needles and need major distraction.....,transfer will be Sunday.  Butt shots start Sunday as well.   Dan is looking forward to that ;). Xoxo

They got 14 eggs. The last two times they got 11 so this is great.  Won't know anything else until tomorrow.  Resting all day at home with my pups.  Totally out of it right now and loving it.  If I could only feel this relaxed all the time.........

Trigger tonight!

I went in for my latest blood work and ultrasound and I have several huge follicles on both sides of my ovaries so I have the thumbs up to give myself the trigger shot tonight.  The trigger shot is given so that your eggs will be released into the follicles and 24 hours later, the egg retrieval takes place.  I go in Thursday morning for the retrieval.  Please pray that they get a ton of eggs and that they fertilize and GROW.

Today is day 6 of stimulation and I'm feeling very bloated and uncomfortable.  This is a good thing.  I had bloodwork and an ultrasound this morning and I have several large follicles on my right ovary and a few good ones on the left and my lining looks perfect.  The doctor was happy.  They will call me later about the bloodwork but they said I shouldn't worry.  I go back again for the same routine on Sunday morning and then have to go in every day next week.  The shots are going well but I can't sleep.....my boss rocks though and is very cool about letting me work from home.  That's all for now.  Keep up the prayers and good vibes.....we are halfway there!!

I’m in my 20’s, I’m sure I’m fertile!
I’m not ready to get pregnant, we want to wait for a while before we have kids.
We’d like to start a family, just not now.
Will being on the pill for several years affect my chances of conceiving?

Finally good news! I went in today for bloodwork and ultrasound and they called to say that my estrogen and progesterone levels are great and I can start my protocol tonight! How sad that I get excited about starting the damn protocol? I gave myself my first two shots of Menopur and Gonal F and pray that they do what they are supposed to do.  I have an appointment on the 4th to make sure everything still looks good.  In the meantime, please send us your positive energy.  I don't know how to feel....I have a lot of self defense mechanisms in place.  Love and light is very much needed!

Feeling relieved right now. Just spoke to the nurse and they are trying a new approach called Antagonist Protocol. All this means is that I don't have to inject Lupron! SOOO happy because it made me so miserable. Now I have to wait (again) until my period starts and I can start this process all over again. Praying for patience and keeping the faith.

My body isn't cooperating. I went in on Sunday morning for a blood check and ultrasound and my estrogen is too high to move forward. So this cycle is canceled. The doctors at the clinic are having a meeting to discuss what course to take with me. I have no words. Beyond frustrated and very very sad.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. ~C.S. Lewis

Latest cycle has officially begun. I started Lupron shots last night. Pray that my body cooperates and that this time is IT! Trying to stay positive and continuing to eat well and take care of myself. Will write more when I know more :)

Pinch me, pinch me, cause I'm still asleep. Please God tell me that I'm still asleep

I've always loved this song by the Barenaked Ladies. I went to this concert a few weeks ago with some dear friends and it was moving to hear this song in person. I guess I identify with what I think the song is about. It's like being stuck in a void between happiness and depression. Our life is being dictated by doctors and their schedules and whether we have the money to do this and that. And we feel guilty doing anything - if we go somewhere, it costs money...and shouldn't we be saving that money for some unexpected cost that will surely arise? But if we stay home, do we just sit around and watch TV or troll Facebook and see what others are doing? That's what I mean about feeling stuck. But this is sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm not going there..... This week I attended my first IVF support group at a local church. It was great. Tons of women there with similar stories, same doctors, same procedures and heartbreaking stories. It felt good to be amongst women that know what you are feeling and as they speak, it's like they are swimming around in your brain. I will keep going. I'm feeling better physically. Had a few hiccups with my blood pressure, but it has stabilized now and I'm on medication. I had an electrocardiogram this week and it went well. There's no damage to my heart and the blood flow looked great. I take 200mg of labetalol twice a day. The medication I'm on is safe for women trying to get pregnant. I also met with my college friend Lesley, a Registered Dietician and Nutritionist. She is awesome and gave me tons of tools and strategies to eat healthy and change my eating habits. I already do feel better. So now I'm just waiting to get my period and once it starts, I can start up the IVF protocol again. I feel like I'm going in this time a lot stronger and better mentally.

Your desire for change has become somewhat frustrating -- it's just not happening at the pace you would like! Try to just breathe today and exercise patience, as things need to spin out for a while longer yet.

I had to post my horoscope today because it's perfect. Nothing happening here. Still trying to control my blood pressure and diet so I can start IVF at my next cycle in August. Keep praying!

The good, the bad and the ugly

Here's the latest and not so greatest..... The Good: Dan had the testicular extraction (TESA) yesterday and it went well. I could hear them wheel him into recovery and ask the room, "who in here saw my balls?" So I knew he was fine. The doctor said they got some good ones and they would be frozen until they are ready for ICSI. I don't know why, but anesthesia makes Dan even more inappropriate and immature. He kept grabbing his balls and shaking them up and down as the nurses laughed. He asked the doctor if he'd put the surgery on YouTube so the world could see his junk. The Bad: Upon checkout, the clinic informed me of some out of pocket expenses. They need $1,800 to cover surgery center costs and sperm freezing..I have budgeted everything based on what they told me when I signed all the consent forms. These costs were never discussed and I have maxed out all my credit cards and savings. I started to cry and told them I didn't have it. At the same time, a nurse told me they needed to take blood and do an ultrasound on me since I was already there. The ultrasound showed that I was starting to ovulate. Not good. The Lupron was supposed to be suppressing that. My head started pounding and I started feeling really nauseous. They took a blood sample and blood pressure. It was 188/148. She looked at me with worry and told me to call my Primary Care Doctor to see if she could see me today. The Ugly: My primary care doctor was on vacation. I talked to her nurse and she told me to immediately go to the ER. At the urging of my family, Dan and I headed to Piedmont Hospital. After triage, they were hooking me up to heart monitors and bp monitors....they worried I was going to have a stroke. They gave me a pain pill for the headache, an anti-nausea pill and labetalol to get my bp under control. Then I just laid there until they were ok with sending me home. Once my bp was at 162/102 and Dan was feeling normal, we headed home. The aftermath: I'm on labetalol indefinitely and it's safe for pregnancy. But the fertility doctor wants me to wait yet again to start my protocol once I've rested and gotten my bp under control. So now I wait until my period starts before we can resume. I have no clue when that is because my body is all out of whack. Keep us in our prayers.....we need them now more than ever. Love to all.

Damn you estrogen!

I went back for a blood recheck and my estrogen is still high (221). The meds aren't suppressing my ovaries properly so they want me to double my dosage and wait another week. Obviously this pushes back all our plans. Dan will still have his TESA surgery on July 9 so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. And pray that my estrogen decreases. Ugh, I hate being a woman....

"I was in the path of the tornado, I just didn't expect the storm to last as long as it has". This quote is from one of my favorite movies. It's kinda the way I feel about the last four years. You know that feeling you have during a violent storm? That anxiety, the unsettling feeling of not knowing what to do or what is going to happen? How it can literally knock you on your ass and strike fear in you? Living with uncertainty this long is brutal. You can' plan your future! And you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but still....every setback knocks me back down and sets me into a tizzy. So everything was going great and I was getting ready to start my stimulating medications. I went in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound went great.....I have 6 healthy follicles on my right ovary and 5 on the left. Then they took my blood. My nurse called me later that day to say my estrogen levels were elevated and that she wants me to hold off on the stim meds until it goes down. I have to stay on the Lupron in the meantime. I'm frustrated because this pushes my protocol back. I'm not sure how many days. I have an appointment on Tuesday to find out. I'm glad the doctor is being cautious, but it's hard when you set your heart and mind on something and you're told you have to wait longer. But we will.....just going to have to trust the doctor and try and be zen! Pray for us!

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a baby girl and didn't remember any of it. I had to be put to sleep for the labor and birth so when they showed me the baby, I didn't believe she was mine. And the doctors and nurses and family were asking me her name and I had no clue because I was so out of it and didn't even know what my own name was. And she wasn't a newborn, she was more like a "soap opera" baby where they come out looking six months old. Weird, right? I think my subconscious is coming up with a Plan B already if this next IVF doesn't work. Many people are asking what we will do if it doesn't and the question they ALWAYS ask is, "Have you thought about adoption"? The answer is yes, we have and it's a HUGE undertaking. I'm focused right now on being healthy and centered and making this time work!! I started the Lupron shots on Monday....I do them right before bed. Lupron causes the pituitary gland to release high amounts of FSH and LH (luteinizing hormone) for several days until its stores are depleted. This controls my LH surge and enables the doctor to control the premature maturation of eggs. The side effects are making me a little queasy and giving me some mother-f%^&ing headaches. The doctors have decided to perform TESA on Dan, which is the less invasive sperm extraction procedure a day or two before my egg transfer. This ensures we have the HEALTHIEST egg and sperm for them to use to create the embryos. At our ages, our eggs and sperm aren't "top notch"...so this way, the doctors can look at them up-close! I don't start the heavy duty stimulating medications until next week. It's looking like the procedures will be the second week of July. So cross fingers and toes that it all goes smoothly and on schedule. Thanks again for love and support!

Day Seven

I'm on day seven of my cycle so on Friday of this week, I am headed to the clinic for a "trial transfer". At that time, they will use saline through a catheter to see how my cervix is angled so that they know exactly how to position it for the real embryo transfer. I will also start the stimulating injection medications. I feel like an old pro at them so I'm not scared about it. Other than that, not a lot going on right now. I did turn 40 last week and it was depressing, but my dear friends spoiled me rotten so it made it less dreadful. I'll post more next week once I see the doctor. Dan did meet with the Urologist and they feel in order to give us the best chance possible for the healthiest embryos, they need to perform TESE (testicular sperm extraction) this time. This is the big needle that pulls out the healthiest sperm....Dan will be anesthetized so you don't have to cringe :) Thanks for all the love and support. Write soon. xoxo

Nothing new to report yet. Waiting for my period to start so I can get my protocol.....but I saw this on Facebook today and had to share. I think it applies to everyone....so perfectly written!

Tyler Perry writes: I THANK GOD FOR CLOSED DOORS When I wake up in the morning and see the sunrise as I’m running, I thank God for new mercies every day. As I was running this morning I started thinking about this and you know how much I like to share my morning thoughts… LOL I was out just thinking about my life and all the times that I wished that a door had opened. All the times I had promoters and people lie to me saying that they would help me... I remember wishing the bank would approve my loan request for a house or a car (usually one I couldn’t afford at the time). I wished that this person would help me or that person would do something to help my business, or this person would help my dreams come true. As I look back now I’m so glad that none of those situations worked out. I’m so glad God closed those doors because they forced me to find the right path for me. If you’re in this situation and you feel like doors are closing all around you and you are frustrated, here’s something I’d like you to think about: Life can be like a living maze. You know what a maze is. In a maze, you start out at one end and your objective is to find your way to the finish line. Many times you may make a turn and hit a dead end and you have to go another way. Just like life, that door closing on you sends you another way. It doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen, it just means you need to go another way. If you keep moving, eventually you will get to where you’re going. Another thing that is important when you’re in a maze, as in life, is to remember where you have been. If you get turned around and confused in a maze, in order to get out, you have to remember the dead-ends that you have already hit. Just like in life you have to remember all the doors that were closed so you don’t waste time going that way again. If you want to get to your dreams you can’t expect to get there by doing the same thing and going to the same spots. You must try something different. I’m not saying give up on your dream, I’m saying try another path to the same dream. Same maze, same dream, but take a different direction to get there. I feel sorry for people who have a dream and give up because it gets hard. Let me tell you something, "IT’S GOING TO GET HARD!" And my answer to that is, "SO WHAT? MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!" Don’t stop because a door closed. I have learned to thank God for closed doors. You have to know that if God wanted you to go that way, no man could close that door. But for some reason he allowed that door to be closed, but if that one was closed I assure you that there is one that is open somewhere. And it’s the right one. Don’t stop until you are living your dream. Is this helping anybody?

I've connected with two women recently who are navigating their way through the infertility journey and I'm reassured that writing this blog is a good thing. It's so nice to have the support of your family and friends and have them rally around you. And sharing your story with others that know exactly how you feel is so comforting. Within the infertility community, there's a shared shorthand of terms that we throw around; TTC (trying to conceive), BFP/BFN (big fat positive and negative), BBT (basal body temp) and the list goes on and on. There's an overwhelming amount of information out there and you don't know where you fit it and everyone's journey is different. I just want everyone to know that I'm here to answer questions, vent, etc. even if it's to help you support another person going through this. Because of my blog, an old friend reached out to tell me about a place where I could find really inexpensive medications! So far, I have almost everything I need so I can resume treatment in June. I have to wait until my period starts and once it does, we kick it all into high gear. In the meantime, I'm nearing my 40th birthday and I'm not excited about it at all. All the doctors do is make you paranoid about age and throw out scary statistics so being 40 puts you in a new bracket. I just feel like I'm getting too old and I'm terrified that we will end up childless. I never knew that waiting for Mr Right would come back and bite me in the ass because it caused the baby journey to start later compared to most. But it is what it is and I'm doing my best. I will keep you posted once the protocol starts. Thanks for your prayers and sharing my story with your loved ones. The more we know about infertility and how common it is, the less stigma there will be for women going through it. Love to all.

sad sad and more sad

"Thank you, Carrie. I cannot tell how you much you helped us through this--your writing, suggested blogs on FB, phone convo... Please know I am here for you. I am there for venting (*** to celebrate***). Whatever you need. Xo. We are behind and beside you both!"

I got this email from a friend who recently ended her fertility journey. I can't tell you how sad it makes me that for whatever reason, amazing people have to give up on their dreams. Whether it's financial, physical, emotional.....it's just so heartbreaking. I've encountered so many inspiring people along my journey. Women who have endured multiple miscarriages, poking and prodding, chemical pregnancies and much, much more......and they still have the courage to get up every day and put on a smile. I'm also blown away by the support and love of our friends that email me on Facebook, text messages and overall encouragement. I tell myself every day that there's a blessing somehow in all this. I have never felt so loved....it's like every day is your wedding day because people are constantly lifting you up with love and support and showing how much they care about Dan and me. My hope is that everyone knows how eternally grateful I am. I only hope that I'm the same kind of friend to you all as you are to me. I do try every day to show my love and support for the people I care about. Ok, I have to stop because I'm typing at work and crying at my desk. My coworkers know I'm mental but still...... Here's where I am; calling, researching and trolling the internet for cheap meds. I've gotten a lot of insider information on how to obtain less expensive medications....it's all about the right timing and filling out tons of forms. Nothing has materialized yet, but I'm hopeful. So, if you are ever feeling anxious, sad, happy, alone, WHATEVER, I'm always here for support! XOXO

It's 2am and I'm laying here awake feeling nauseous and battling a severe headache. I cried myself to sleep around 9pm after taking a Valium. Now I'm awake with a hangover. My body is so sensitive to any kind of drug.....I can't take anything without feeling sick. So now I'm sandwiched in bed by Minnie and Mylo and Dan is snoring away in the guest room. Go figure... Earlier today I got a phone call from the pharmacy saying that they couldn't ship my two stimulating meds, the most important ones for the cycle, because Aetna denied my claim. Up until now, I was told everything was covered including all prescription meds. I even had proof of this in writing. So after several phone calls and a lot of yelling, arguing and waiting on hold, I was defeated. In order to get the meds needed for this round of IVF, I need to cough up $3,500. You'd think I be used to the anger and disappointment (Dan certainly is and it doesn't seem to faze him at all anymore). Dan knows me and relies a lot on me to fix things and find a new way out of each mess we encounter. I don't blame him or get mad that this is the case.....it's just how we are wired. I'm a problem solver and he's the support system. So here we go again.....we have to figure out a way to find Menopur and Bravelle. We have to look for people that have meds left over from their cycle, or find a scholarship program; something my brain can't come up with right now. This is so exhausting and miserable. I never knew this would be so hard. The IVF itself is a breeze.....So many people talk about enduring 5,6 and 7 cycles......but they never talk about what happens during those cycles....all the back and forth with insurance and doctors and nurses and care coordinators, the paperwork and authorizations and copays! It's INSANE. I really feel I'm losing my mind. I have to stop typing now. My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. I have to stop obsessing and try to sleep. I'll keep you posted on what's next.

Had another setback today.  Insurance won't cover the three most expensive stimulating medications, Ovidrel, Menopur and Bravelle.  We have to pay $3500 out of pocket to cover those meds. We don't have that. We don't have half or even a quarter of that.  Absolutely heartbroken.  Don't know what to do. Dammit.

Sometimes I feel like a knob for writing this blog.....I'm always self conscious that people will read this as I'm feeling sorry for myself, or asking for pity. Let me be clear, it's NOT my intention. The reason I write this is due to the number of people that ask how I'm doing and it gives me a way to keep you all informed so I'm not always repeating myself. That being said, it's hard not to share my sadness and frustration as I write, so if it makes you feel sad for us, than so be it. Moving on.....I got my IVF protocol from the Doctor last week. I start Leupron on May 9th followed by all the other injectables on May 20. All this puts my retrieval and transfer dates right around my birthday. Lovely, right? I don't have much more to say at this point. I can't explain how nervous and scared I am this time around. This is really our last shot. We have NO money left and our options for future treatments are in the 20k + range. Very depressing. I will focus on being positive and staying in the moment. Thanks for your prayers and thank you for being loving, caring and understanding dear friends. xoxo

Cycle Day One

So it's officially Day One of my cycle which means the IVF will be in full swing soon. I called my doctor this morning to report in and waiting to hear back. They are going to do a "trial transfer" and start me on meds soon. GOD PLEASE LET THIS BE IT! This is our last chance to have a biological child of both of us. And the last chance for a while to try anything else. I'm terrified. Seriously terrified and I must begin to live in the moment and not think ahead to the end of the cycle. I cannot control the outcome. It's all in God's hands. Pray that the new Doctor is the one that will help us achieve our dream. Pray that things are different this time. Pray that we finally get our miracle! Love to all.

I met with the nutritionist last week and it went well. I have to eat small meals throughout the day instead of gorging myself when I'm in starvation mode. Sometimes when I get home from work, I feel like I could eat the dog's food because I'm so hungry. Anyhow, I was also told I needed the varicella vaccine because my blood test had markers indicating I was susceptible to chicken pox. WTH? So I had that done this week. Now, after speaking to my nurse, it looks like we can move forward with IVF starting on day one of my next cycle. This should be around May 5, (Dan's birthday). And ironically, I should be getting test results around the time of my 40th birthday. Should be interesting.... In the meantime, I'm taking the supplements, scheduling acupuncture, eating healthy and even going to a salt cave. They are good for inflammation and relaxation. Hey, you tell me to stand on my head in pig shit to improve my chances, I'll do it. Ha. xoxo

I had a hysterocopy yesterday so Dr. Hasty could get a good look inside my uterus. She gave me novacaine to help with the procedure....but it didn't really help much. It hurt ALOT. Basically, they insert a long tube into your uterus that has a camera on the end of it and explore the inside of the uterus. I was able to watch the whole thing. Pretty gross but kinda cool. She said everything looked perfect. What a relief. So now, Dan goes in on Monday for a semen analysis which will determine if his sperm are strong enough to be making good embryos with my eggs. In the meantime, here's what I'm taking; doxycycline so I don't get an infection from the procedure, CoQ10, Vitamin D, DHEA and a prenatal vitamin. It's alot, but I'll do just about anything to prepare my body. Dr Hasty feels confident that we can move forward with IVF at my next cycle in early May. I'm meeting next week with the nutritionist to go over menu planning and I'm setting up appointments with the acupuncturist. I also bought a Groupon so Dan can get acupuncture as well. Since this is pretty much our last shot, we need to be doing everything possible to make this one WORK. Pray for us.....

Clinic #4!

Met with a new doctor on Monday. Our 4th clinic. It's called the Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine and the doctor is a FEMALE named Lisa Hasty. Let me back up a bit.....I originally scheduled an appointment at RBA, the clinic that had treated Dan and did my IUI's. I had lunch with my friend Tammi and she told me about Dr Hasty and how much she loved her. I thought, what the hell, I'll call to see if they can take me sooner than RBA, and if they can....it's a sign I should switch clinics. She was able to see me on April 8th, so I was sold. She spent about 2 hours with me discussing my history and showing me statistics and other data. She strongly feels I should go through with another cycle of IVF. But before she'll treat me, she wants several things done. I have to meet with a nutritionist (who is staffed by the clinic) and an acupuncturist (who is also staffed by the clinic) and it's all covered by my health care plan! I'ma also taking DHEA, Vitamin D and CoQ10. She said I need to lose at least 10 pounds by the end of May because overweight women have a lower chance of conceiving through IVF and have a greater chance of miscarriage. She's also doing a hysteroscopy tomorrow, which is putting a camera into my uterus and looking at it up close. Kind of like a colonoscopy. She wants to see if there's scar tissue, polyps and/or inflammation. If there is, she can treat that prior to undergoing treatment. I really, really like her. She's so personable and thorough, and she's super honest and compassionate. I feel good about the clinic. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.....

Status Update

I think it's safe to tell you that I've set many of my passwords to be "Don't Give Up". I have to remind myself every day that there's a purpose to all this madness and hurt. Dan and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary this week. It was nice, we cooked a meal at home and ate outside on our deck with our dog babies. It gave us the time to reflect on the last 4 years and how much we've been tested and how lucky we feel to have each other throughout the journey. A lot of people ask what all we've done so I thought I'd write it all out here....... We married on March 28, 2009 and I had already stopped taking birth control. We both wanted kids right away and since I was almost 36, I didn't want waste any time. We tried for about 6 months on our own. But that September, I was laid off at work and it made sense then that we should focus on my getting a new job instead of getting pregnant. I was jobless for about 5 months, then hired back by my boss in February of 2010. At that time, I began worrying something may be wrong because we tried for several months and nothing was happening. So summer of 2010, we were introduced to the wonderful world of fertility clinics. My gyno had recommended RBA (Reproductive Biology Associates) because one of the doctors there, Dr. Hilton Kort was one of the original doctors on the team that created the first IVF baby. He brought the technique to Georgia....so we knew he was the best. Dan and I both went through testing there and we finally learned that Dan had a blockage in his vas deferans and he needed surgery to correct it. They gave us the option of doing IVF as well, because of our ages, time was important. However, when we sat with the business manager at the clinic, we learned everything would cost close to 25k. Devastation and depression hit us because we could not afford even a quarter of that. We had just paid for most of our wedding ourselves a year earlier and were still paying off that debt. This is when I got creative. I was looking around the internet and found out about My IVF Alternative. A concierge service for couples looking to save money on IVF by being treated in the Czech Republic. The owner of the company lived here in Atlanta and it all sounded so perfect. We met with them and determined the cost for travel and treatment to be around 8k. Then God walked in. Our friends and family encouraged us to start a "baby fund" (Z Baby Quest)to help us quicken the time it took to raise the money to go. We had the money to go and left for Prague on our 2nd anniversary, March 29, 2011. Most of you know that our experience and treatment there was very positive, however it was not meant to be. When I got back, I went to my gyno to figure out why it didn't work. He performed an sonohysterogram. I had a polyp in my uterus that needed removal. I had that surgery in May 2011. Dan and I were trying to figure out what to do next. We started couples counseling at that time because we were considering using donor sperm to do IUI. We finally decided to do this because it was 2k per try and we were able to scrape the money together. Dan wasn't happy about not being able to use his sperm, but it was for the greater good. So we went back to RBA and tried IUI in June, July and August. None of them worked. Broke and feeling hopeless, I decided to look into my company's benefit plans versus Dan's company benefit plans and happily discovered that my plan covered the surgery Dan needed to correct his blockage. We were on Dan's plan at that time, so we had to wait until January 2012 to switch coverage. The surgery took place on January 29, 2012. It was a success, but it meant waiting for him to heal. This could take a year or more! We had no money to do any other treatments so we decided to try on our own each month. I bought the ovulation kits, took hormones, all of it. Still no pregnancy. Around August, I'd grown restless and severerly depressed. I'd learned that my credit had gone from Fair to Good so I took the chance that I'd be able to take out a loan. I found out I'd be able to get about 10k in loans....not enough to be treated at RBA, or the other major clinics in Georgia. That's when the magic of the internet happened again in our favor. I found out there was a clinic here called Servy Massey Institute that offered affordable treatment by offsetting the costs using a lab in Augusta. We immediately met there and signed up for our second official IVF treatment. And you know the ending there....... So NOW, as you know, GOd walked in again and my company allowed me to switch medical plan coverage, and we are able to try IVF at clinics in Atlanta. I cannot use Servy Massey, whom I loved, because they aren't in network. After some back and forth, I've decided to see Dr Lisa Hasty at Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine. I've heard great things and it will be refreshing to get a woman's perspective on everything. Wish us luck.....this is been a loooonnnggg process as you can tell and we hope, hope, hope this is our last attempt. We only get one more shot because insurance covers up to 20k so we will be maxing out. My first appointment is April 8th. Pray for us as you all do. We love you.

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I love this!

Debt and Insurance

So you are probably wondering why I'm posting this heinous snapshot of my debt accrued throughout this process, (shameful? yes)....however we've been thrown through another loop on the roller coaster.  After this last IVF failure, as I combed through all the bills that have stacked up and began thinking about checking myself in to a mental hospital,  I decided to write my company's HR benefits director to plead to them to include infertility coverage in our health plan.  About two hours after sending, I get an email from her stating that our plan DOES in fact, cover infertility (up to 20k).  I'm just a moron that doesn't read all the fine print in the packet they send every October.  My next step was to write a letter of appeal to our holding company's HR department.  So I sent the letter and after weeks of waiting, they called to tell me my appeal had been accepted and they would allow me to change plans!  HURRAY!  Armed with this knowledge, Dan and I went back to Dr. Massey to discuss why the latest treatment failed and share our news about the insurance.  He more or less said that the older a woman gets, the quality of her embryos gets less and less.  That's really the only reason it's not working for me.  BUT, he does think we should try IVF once more because I do have good eggs and a healthy uterus, etc.  So we set it up to start early April.  THEN, come to find out that Dr Massey's clinic IS OUT OF NETWORK.  Unbelievable right?  So that brings us back to the clinic we originally started at, Reproductive Biology Associates (aka RBA).  We have an appointment with them next week to start over the whole process again with the clinic.  The sucky thing is that Dr Massey's clinic charges $8,000 per try and RBA is $15,000 so we are eating up all our insurance coverage.  One try only.   I can't tell you how frustrating this all is.  But, if we get what we want out of all this, it will be worth it.

Resolve.org

This website is really helpful for persons struggling with infertility.  I came across this article and HAD to share.  I always say I'm a terrible writer, and this article beautifully sums up how it all feels on a daily basis;

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Surfing the crimson wave

I was going to post a photo of myself in bed today but I'm too hideous for words. I woke at 5am with the worst cramps I've ever had and sure enough, my period has started. I'd been taking so much estrogen and progesterone to thicken my endometrium lining, that when my period finally came, it's ten times more than it usually is. An absolutely gross reminder that your IVF didn't work!
We are so sad and angry that we are still in this fight. To me, it feels like four deaths. Four perfect embryos betrayed by my body. I just don't get it. I did so many things to prepare my body. What is it going to take???? I turn 40 in a few months and can't fathom how I will feel. Such a milestone and I'm still living in limbo, hoping my life can start as soon as we have a family. No one understands why I mean when I say how this process puts your life on hold. When you want something so bad, you put everything aside and all your energy, focus, drive and money goes into it....it doesn't leave much else at the end of the day.
Sorry to be so doom and gloom. I'll be going back to see Dr Massey this week or next and hear his thoughts and recommendations on what's next. We won't give up. We can't.

Not pregnant

Angry and sad. Can't write anymore

Feeling hopeless

I have that bad feeling again.  I'm bloated and feel exactly as I do right before my period starts.  I've also been getting my textbook headaches indicating it's on the horizon.  I'm trying so hard to be positive but realize that I'm just not wired that way.  I think I'm so used to bad news that I inherently expect it and I'm not able to change.  It just pisses me off because we had 4 amazing embryos.  The embryologist even commented on them saying they looked the best they could be.  So the problem lies with implantation.  And unfortunately, nothing is really known about why or why not they implant.  Most of the time it's due to a cyst or fibroid, which I already had and got rid of it.  Other than that, they really can't say.  I don't know that it's a NO yet, but I'm preparing for it.  It's the worst feeling in the world.  Pray for us, negative or positive.  It's a treacherous road we're traveling!

Transfer day

So far so good. We drove to Augusta this morning for the frozen embryo transfer. We had two "on ice" and we were lucky to be able to have this back up plan! So, for the past two weeks I've been taking estrogen and progesterone and the clinic thawed the embryos. And today, I went in and stripped down and watched on the ultrasound monitor as they slid the embryos through a catheter into my uterus. It didn't hurt as much this time. This was a relief since my uterus did not contract and I felt much more at ease and breathed through it. It was all over within an hour and now we are home resting. The doctor wants me to relax and keep my blood pressure down. This should be interesting. All that's left to do is wait for two weeks. The hardest part yet! Thank you for all the well wishes and love. I thank God for you all every day.

Augusta Bound

Visited the doctor once again today to check my uterine lining since I've been taking these estrogen pills for the last week.  It measured very well (11cm) so we are ready to move forward with the frozen embryo transfer.  We are scheduled to go to Augusta on Monday, February 18.  In the meantime, I will continue to take the estrogen, plus Endometrin (which assists in embryo implantation by thickening the endometrium) PLUS progesterone oil shots.  Dan was taught how to administer the oil shots.  I was so awesome leaning over a table with my pants down as the nurse showed Dan where on my ass to plunge the huge needle.  So this week is all about calm, happy thoughts.  I scheduled another fertility massage at Magnolia so I can be nice and relaxed this weekend.  Wish us luck and pray!

Frozen Embryo Transfer Update

I can't remember who I've told what at this point, and I'm so inconsistent in updating the blog.  I honestly don't know how I'm up and functioning each day.  I have grown so obsessed with trying to make this all happen, ordering medications, talking to doctors, reading stories on the web, etc.  So here's where we are.....I have started taking estrogen vaginally.....it's a lovely thing I have to do at night before bed.  Not pleasant and sorry for the over-share......then, I went to the doctor last week for a baseline ultrasound and my uterus looks healthy.  No cysts or masses so that means we can move forward with the frozen embryo transfer.  The major thing they are doing different this time is adding an aggressive plan to make the embryos attach and STICK this time.  Starting Monday, Dan will have to administer progesterone oil shots in my ass every night for 10 days.  For those that don't know what this is, it is literally a thick oil in a 22 gauge needle! I know Dan will take great pleasure in stabbing me with a huge needle.  All these meds have made me a raging psycho.  One minute I'm crying, the next I want to rip his face off.  But I digress..... Once all that is done, I believe this is when we will be traveling to Augusta for the transfer.  We have two beautiful embryos left waiting to be implanted.  I am trying to do all that is necessary to prepare my body for this.  I'm eating better, trying to exercise more and drinking smoothies that have all kinds of nutrients that make me feel great.  Other than that, it's in God's hands.  I really hope this is it.  I will never give up, but would LOVE to know that I'm pregnant, especially as my 40th birthday is fast approaching and I'm in a full blown panic.  Stay positive and pray!!  Love to all.

Fertility Massage

I've been thinking of ways to improve my health as I wait for my latest treatment and stumbled upon a great place here in Atlanta called Magnolia Pregnancy Resources.  It is run by a girl named Rebecca, who started out as a pregnancy masseuse and developed a passion for helping women who are both pregnant, and trying to get pregnant.  The place offers Doula services and various mom to be classes.  I went in for a "fertility massage".  This involves cranial sacral therapy (head and neck massage), reflexology and overall massage.  She also put a heated castor oil therapy pack on my stomach.  This is all meant to relax me and increase blood flow to my uterus.  I was wonderful and a little uncomfortable.   I will totally go back though because I feel a difference in my stomach, especially after I eat.
If you are looking for something like this, here is their website....http://www.magnoliapregnancy.com/.  I highly recommend!

sidebar story

I treated myself to a manicure today.....(all these vitamins are making my formerly pathetic nails STRONG!)  And the lady asks me if I'm married....

Me: Yes.
Her: How long?
Me: Almost 4 years.
Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Her: .why?
Me: Why?  OK, I'll tell ya.......

So after I tell her, as she's filing away on my nails, she bursts into tears and starts telling me all about how she struggled to have a baby and she gave up after she turned 40.  Her voice was shrilling and everyone was looking at us as both our eyes filled with tears.  She told me not to give up because she will always regret throwing in the towel.  Breaks my heart.  I gave her a hug and a big tip :)

Follow up today...

Met with Dr Massey this morning.  He spoke with his colleague in Augusta and they think there were some complications/incompatibility with my cervix and the catheter they used when they transferred the embryos.  They say it most likely caused my uterus to contract and created an uncomfortable environment for the embryos.  It did hurt A LOT and I was very uncomfortable while he was doing it.  I didn't have that kind of pain in the Czech clinic.  

That being said, the frozen embryos we have are excellent and he's confident that using a smaller, more flexible catheter will make the next transfer a success.  They want me to move forward once my next cycle starts, which will be at the end of this month.  I only have to take the estrogen and progesterone so I won't have to do any injections with expensive medications.  They aren't sure when the actual transfer will take place.  They say it's typically 21 days after the period starts so that puts us into mid February.  That's all I know for now.....